Spanish government unveils next phase of totally unnecessary f**k-up

THE Spanish government has announced further plans for totally ballsing up for no reason, it has been confirmed.

Amid scenes of chaos and police violence, the Spanish government has said this is just the start of their plans to totally bollocks up this whole Catalan referendum thing.

Spanish PM Mariano Rajoy said: “The most responsible and democratic thing to do when confronted with a region’s desire for independence is to declare it illegal, throw people in jail and start cracking skulls. That’s just democracy 101.

“But after that, we’re thinking about shooting protesters with rubber bullets, attacking firefighters and telling them that they can’t have ‘El Clasico’ any more if they leave.

“What? We’ve already done all those things?”

“Well then yeah, we’ve done all we can to balls this situation up at this moment in time.”

Catalan Josep Alcaniz Matoses added: “I actually wasn’t sure about us being independent from Spain.”

“But seeing as they’ve said it’s illegal for me to even have a choice and the police are going to kick our heads in for even wanting to, they’re really making the decision for me.”

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May is not unsackable, confirms Boris

THERESA May could well be out of a job soon, Boris Johnson has announced.

Johnson was pressed on the prime minister’s future at the Conservative Party conference, and refused to say she would not soon be leaving Downing Street with her possessions in a cardboard box.

He said: “If anyone is not doing their job well enough, I may have to let them go. 

“Hopefully, it will not be necessary to fire her out of a cannon into the sea, but hopes and dreams doth butter no parsnips.”