New employee doing some serious arse-licking

A COMPANY’S new recruit is really quite something when it comes to ingratiating himself with bosses, everyone has noticed.

After joining Trident Bathrooms a week ago, marketing assistant Martin Bishop has been finding pointless extra work to do and paying nauseating compliments to managers.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “Martin keeps asking to do things like set up an office suggestions box to ‘improve efficiency’. I’ve got a suggestion – fuck off Martin, you creep.

“What’s worse is his blatant crawling to management. He actually said, ‘If anyone can make the new marketing strategy fly it’s you, Gavin!’.

“I think even his bosses are freaked out by it. I have literally never heard anyone complimented on owning a completely unremarkable rucksack.”

Bishop said: “It’s fantastic to be working for a company with such a great ethos and visionary management.

“There’s nothing weird about constantly praising your boss for his golf handicap. Those tiny little balls must be impossible to hit and the holes are miles away.”

Bishop’s line manager Roy Hobbs said: “Martin is a vile little toady who I have no intention of promoting but it’s good having someone to wash your car in their lunch hour.”

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Homeless man knows chat with student will be on Facebook within the hour

A HOMELESS man has confirmed that the brief conversation he had with a well-meaning student will be on Facebook within the hour.

When student Mary Fisher bought rough sleeper Bill McKay a coffee and sat down to talk to him about his life, he knew the conversation would shortly become a status update earning Fisher hundreds of ‘Likes’.

McKay said: “Good on her for buying us a hot drink. Though I did get the sense she was mentally drafting her status update when we were speaking.”

Fisher posted later that day: “Just met the coolest guy ever. And guess what, he was homeless.

“I see old Phil sat by my local Tesco everyday but only today did I think, ‘I need to talk to this guy’.

“He’s so inspiring and has bright sparkly eyes.”

McKay added: “I’d actually like to read what she said about me.

“I tried to add her Facebook but she might not recognise me, as my picture was taken before the government took away the support network that was helping me to keep my head above water.

“And I didn’t have the beard either.”