Couple 'makes £100k' selling house only to realise they have to buy another one

A COUPLE who made a large profit on their house have realised they now need to buy another one that is equally expensive.

Bath-based money-obsessed dickheads Julian Cook and Mary Fisher recently sold their terraced house for £104k more than they paid for it in 2009.

However the fucking idiots later realised this was largely irrelevant unless they want to be homeless.

Cook said: “We were like ‘a hundred grand, get in!’, I bought a fancy car then we put in a call to our cocaine dealer for a big bag of beak.

“Then Mary pointed out that we didn’t actually have anywhere to sleep that night, because we’d sold our house. What a let-down!”

Fisher said: “We’d been boasting about our massive windfall, until we looked at other houses and realised that they, too, had become dramatically more expensive.

“It’s almost as if the whole house price thing is a massive load of bullshit designed to dupe simple-minded fools who see everything as a commodity.”

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I still buy DVDs, says idiot caveman

A HALF-WITTED Neanderthal who still somehow walks among us has been exposed by admitting that when he wants to see a film, he buys it on DVD. 

Nathan Muir, who alone of his pre-human species has survived the last 40,000 years and learned nothing, says he also likes to put the boxed DVDs on a shelf and display them as if they were something to be proud of.

Colleague Mary Fisher said: “In a way it’s incredible to be able to see all the way back to the last ice age, where such hunter-gatherer media consumption must have been normal.

“When he comes back into the office with Once Upon A Time in Hollywood saying ‘Got tonight’s viewing all lined up,’ it’s exactly the kind of office conversation they had in the Late Palaeolithic era.

“Imagine them, all crowded around with their lantern jaws and shaggy hair, painstakingly picking through the DVD menu options when they could just stream. Or don’t bother and just go around Nathan’s.

“And it also answers the question of how they went extinct. Drank too much and were shit at their jobs, if he’s any example.”