Sports Illustrated models 'honoured' to be masturbatory fodder

THE cover girls of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition feel ‘humbled’ at becoming self-pleasuring material.

28-year-old Lily Aldridge said: “It’s amazing to think that thousands, if not millions, of men will be kneeling in front of my picture with their trousers lowered, stimulating themselves to fruition. Probably in the spare room while their wives are out.

“This is every girl’s dream.”

Fellow model Chrissy Teigen said: “There was a lot of pressure, like when they said ‘Put your hands on each other’s arses and look happy’.”

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Gay people admit they are not doing it just to annoy Christians

BEING gay is caused by genetics, as well as the natural desire to make Christians furious.

Scientists have confirmed the existence of gay chromosomes, forcing millions of gay men to admit the real reason for their sexuality.

Wayne Hayes, from London, said: “I love the actual gayness – it is the business. But it’s still not as satisfying as the twitching, terrified face of a Christian as he contemplates the nitty-gritty of my sex life.

“Sometimes the idea that this is just who I am, rather than a deliberate attempt to upset people, makes me wonder if I should even bother anymore.

“Though I suspect I probably will.”

Charlie Reeves, a gay man from Bristol, added: “Not that it should make any difference, but I’ve never thought about whether it’s genes or the active choice to infuriate.

“Do heterosexual men go around thinking, ‘I wonder exactly why my penis does that?’.

“Me neither.”