Still another 100 days until end of dreary Scottish argument

THE utterly hellish argument about what happens to Scotland still has another 100 days to go, it has been confirmed.

Across the UK, horrified people agreed that it may as well be a thousand.

Tom Logan, a sales consultant from Peterborough, said: “Jesus Christ. Why is it taking so long?”

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, added: “Oh no. Oh please, no. In the name of God almighty.

“I implore the people of Scotland to imagine that the rest of the UK is a badly injured fawn. Please just snap our fragile neck.”

Bill McKay, from Edinburgh, said: “Fuck the pair of you, I have to live here.”


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Homeless deterred with buzzards

LONDON’S homeless are to be dealt with using birds of prey.

The scheme will target a number of spots favoured by rough sleepers, with large, hungry buzzards stationed near the alcoves of residential buildings, on park benches, and in churches.

Wayne Hayes, 39, from Stockwell said: “The homeless have had things their own way for far too long. A bit of gouging from a buzzard or two and they’ll go and find proper homes straight away, I expect.”

If the scheme is successful, buzzards may be rolled out to other areas popular with the homeless, such as night buses.

Mayor Boris Johnson said: “Buzzards aren’t picky. Homeless people, buskers, small dogs. I’m confident that Londoners will embrace the buzzard as the perfect symbol of our city.”