Straightforward British things American twats claim to be baffled by

AMERICANS visiting the UK are astonished by minor physical and cultural differences. They should shut the f**k up about these non-puzzling things: 

It rains all summer

Caused by meteorological processes like low-pressure weather systems arriving over the UK. You could learn this from science, but since 40 per cent of Americans believe in the Rapture they assume it’s because we’re hated by God and his angels piss on us. That makes more sense to them.


It’s just a popular drink, with a well-known history. But Americans adore tea myths that are obvious bullshit, like contemporary Britain grinding to a halt at 3pm on the dot for a brew. Nor did British soldiers pause in the middle of firefights for tea. If you were riddled with Schmeisser rounds it would be a waste of a good cuppa.


Words evolve differently in different places. That’s it. A nation that invented ‘fanny packs’ has no grounds for argument, and shouldn’t be offended if you ask if they’d mind putting your lip balm in their vagina hole.

Things are smaller

Showers, sinks, living rooms, yeah, they’re smaller. Due to property developers and builders viewing every square inch of Britain as a rip-off investment opportunity, supported by a government voted for by homeowners who never want the housing crisis to end. It’s not our deep-seated desire to live in pokey rabbit hutches. We’re being f**ked over.

Plugs and sockets

Britain contains many interesting but confusing things, from alien big cats to Eddie Izzard. But dullard Yanks focus on plug sockets, which are more robust and contain a fuse due to our much higher voltage. Do they go to Venice and get excited about the toilet seats? Are they agog at Thailand’s parking meters?


Will this voltage discrepancy never cease to amaze? Americans don’t have electric kettles because of it. But it’s so fascinating to them that Britain should build a vast theme park called Kettle Land where you can watch all manner of kettles reaching boiling point, or go for a ride in a giant Russell Hobbs. The tourist dollars would flood in.

We don’t celebrate the 4th of July

Nations tend not to celebrate the outcome of conflicts they lost. We don’t celebrate Fall of Singapore Day either, although Brits would happily get shitfaced while eating sushi. We’ll start celebrating the 4th of July when you start celebrating the 30th of April as Last Chopper Out of Saigon Day.

The country’s dirty

We’d noticed. Caused by 13 years of a government refusing to fund anything that might improve our surroundings, not Britons sneaking out to grinding chewing gum into the pavements of Doncaster or smearing greasy dirt inside Tube stations. We did leave that slimy banana skin in the fold-up table on the train, though.

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Newly single friend available to hang out any time, she announces

A NEWLY single woman has texted all her friends to announced she is available to hang out any time. 

Charlotte Phelps, who was last seen in March 2022, has posted on social media about cutting toxicity out of her life and coincidentally texted everyone she knows asking if ‘they fancy a drink sometime’.

Sophie Rodriguez said: “Well, well. Look who’s come crawling back.

“For 18 months when Charlotte was with Tom, the only contact we had with her was through her sickening Instagram stories.

“She couldn’t come to a single social occasion last Christmas, though she did have time to send us all mini-calendars with 12 seasonally-themed photos of their wonderful love. She missed every birthday.

“If you even tried to meet, you had to book 12 weeks in advance then she’d cancel last-minute because she ‘didn’t like to leave Tom by himself’. What is he, a f**king golden retriever?

“Now it’s all cocktails, marathon training, Italian lessons and ‘hanging out with my besties’. She claims she’s ‘loving being single’ and ‘understands the importance of female friendships’. We all know that’ll only last until the first sniff of cock.”

Rodriguez added: “Obviously we’re meeting up. The girls want to know everything that went wrong between her and Tom.”