Supreme Court to overturn Roe v cancer

US Supreme Court justices are set to overturn the landmark ruling in Roe versus cancer.

Conservative members of America’s highest court have argued that President Obama’s healthcare legislation denies cancer its constitutional rights.

By overturning Roe v cancer, which paved the way for widespread chemotherapy, the court will effectively strike down the Obama health bill which says that tumours are bad and that Americans should not have to just put up with them.

But Justice Samuel Alito said: “Every tumour, no matter how small deserves the right to grow to its full potential.

“It is not for private individuals to play God and decide which tumour lives and which one dies. The Bill of Rights is, at its heart, an affirmation of the American tumour.”

Justice Clarence Thomas added: “From the moment the first cell mutates that tumour is as much a part of humanity as you or me.

“It is unconstitutional to use the apparatus of government to destroy innocent, metastasising life.”

Helen Archer, a pro-tumour activist from Colorado Springs, said: “I had a tumour removed when I was a young woman and it is the biggest mistake I ever made.

“I had my whole life ahead of me. I wanted a career, I wanted to have fun and I thought a tumour would just get in the way.

“I often wonder what that tumour would look like today, all grown up.”

A White House spokesman said: “We’re saying that everyone should have access to cancer treatment. So sue us.

“Oh, you are. You actually are.”



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Desert Island Discs, with George Osborne

MANY people think that I’m the sort of person who constantly had people urinating in his locker at school.

This could not be further from the truth. Although there is a grain of truth about the locker. And I wish I could tell you all that it was an isolated incident and that I’ve moved on. But it wasn’t and I haven’t.

My first record is The Record Breakers Theme Tune, as sung by Roy Castle. As a boy I would watch Geoff Capes dance self-consciously as Roy sang Dedication and I dried out my urine-stained exercise books on the radiator, causing a pungent steam to fill the room and nearby corridors. It was a happy time filled with a constant burning anger and violent dreams of revenge.

I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to stop playing The Record Breakers Theme Tune on the advice of Abercrombie. I should explain that Abercrombie has been my best friend since school. For some reason, no-one else can see or hear him except me, but he is the best friend a Chancellor could ever have.

Abercrombie has now advised me to pick something more soothing, so here’s my version of the theme tune to 1970s traditional rural practices show Out of Town:

Go the horses hooves.
Fiddly-diddly guitar music

Aaah. Well played, Abercrombie.

The one thing I hate about my job is sharing an office with Vince Cable. Not because we come from different ends of the political spectrum or have differing opinions on fiscal policy. It’s because he reminds me of Mr Finch-Hatton, my housemaster. He has the same smell. Abercrombie has noticed it too. I drew a spunky winkle on his desk last week because I just don’t care anymore.

And on that rebellious note, here’s Ça Plane Pour Moi by Plastic Bertrand.

For my desert island book I would choose Lord of the Flies because it’s about a group of friends having fun together on a desert island.

And my luxury would be swingball. Abercrombie and I love to play swingball.