Syrian refugees 'now have no excuse not to return to bombsites'

THE Syrian ceasefire means refugees have no reason not to go back to the blasted ruins of their homes, say European leaders.

The ceasefire, which does not include ISIS, other assorted terrorist maniacs or the Russian Air Force, has been hailed as great news for Syrians keen to pick up a broom and start cleaning.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said: “Click your heels together three times, because there’s no place like home.

“President Assad says all is forgiven and that whole Arab Spring thing was just a silly misunderstanding.

“And every refugee will get a complimentary tub of Polyfilla to repair any bulletholes in the walls.

“Anyway, off you go! It was lovely having you.”

Syrian Mohammed Zedan said: “I was a restaurateur in Aleppo, so I thought that maybe I should hold back until the infrastructure is rebuilt a little.

“But apparently restaurants are key to gentrifying rundown areas, so that should help to reduce the street-to-street fighting.”

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Jeremy Hunt’s mum proud of him ‘in spite of everything’

THE mother of Jeremy Hunt remains proud of him, no matter what anyone says.

Lady Hunt stressed the Health Secretary has many qualities that mark him out as decent human being rather than an ‘obtuse and ignorant twat of gargantuan proportions’.

She said: “He always puts the bins out when he visits and he’s only forgotten my birthday a couple of times.

“He did send me the same Mother’s Day card two years in a row, but all in all not a bad record, when you think about it.”

She added: “Also there’s a lovely drawing on the fridge which he did when he was nine, I’m definitely proud of that.

“So he’s not all bad, really. But on the other hand I can see why a lot of people hate him and his stupid face.”