Scientists completely fail to explain ‘gravitational waves’

SCIENTISTS are under attack after making a huge fuss about ‘gravitational waves’ then failing to explain what they are.

Angry taxpayers have demanded a ‘proper answer’ after the scientists spent billions of pounds on a ‘gravitational wave detector’ that no-one else is allowed to use.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, explained: “They’re basically waves of gravity.”

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “What does that mean?”

Professor Brubaker continued: “Okay, imagine the waves on the sea, but instead of water, they’re made of gravity.”

Logan said: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Professor Brubaker added: “Think about it this way – they will help us to understand the origins of the universe.”

Logan said: “Yeah, that sounds like a lot of bullshit.”

Professor Brubaker said: “Okay, fine. Einstein was a total freak and no-one has the faintest idea what he was on about. But ‘gravitational waves’ sound amazing, whatever they are.”’

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All junior doctors to retrain as brand managers

ALL 53,000 junior doctors are to retrain as corporate brand managers for the same pay and no working weekends. 

Doctors have responded to the imposition of a new contract by switching to vital roles like brand management, customer journey design, and clientside insight analysis. 

Ex-junior doctor Mary Fisher said: “I was earning £37,000 in hospital, but even before this new contract I knew I wanted to do something more important with my life. 

“Managing a brand is hard, but rewarding because you’re connecting consumers with great products that will enhance their lives. Things like Coca Cola, or an expensive toaster.

“I never have to see another old person naked, or sit up close to someone with a steaming cold. But the best part of being a brand manager is knowing I’m really making a difference.

“Because of me, someone might buy a thing.”

A government spokesman said: “This is great news. Brand managers are much more our kind of people.”