Ten hours in sea 'more fun' than ten hours on cruise ship

A WOMAN has told rescuers than floating in the sea for ten hours was more enjoyable than being on a cruise ship.

Helen Archer, who allowed herself to slip backwards over the her cruise ship’s railing when she heard a conga line approaching, said that it was well worth the discomfort, isolation and risk of shark attacks. 

She continued: “It was a combination of things, really. The shopping-mall decor, the other passengers, and the constant attempts to sell you overpriced glitzy tat just built up until I decided the sea would be better. 

“And, while it wasn’t fantastic bobbing in the waves in total darkness, at least nobody tried to make me watch a fourth-place X Factor contestant or go for a spa treatment. 

“As soon as I touched land, I asked ‘And there’s no coach waiting to take me back to the ship in four hours, after I’ve bought enough of the local jewellery or whatever? I’m free?'”

She added: “People who regularly go on cruises swear by them. But people who regularly go on cruises are really, really weird.”

Cat briefly considers not being utter tosser

A CAT has very briefly considered not being an utter bastard.

Cat Stephen Malley was about to get started with today’s schedule of napping and killing when he was gripped by a strange feeling.

He said: “There was this voice in my head, so quiet and so weak. At first I thought it said ’Why don’t you kill some mice?’ but when I listened harder I realised it was saying ‘Why don’t you just be nice?’

“I began to wonder, what would life be like if I didn’t treat my disgusting human slaves and all other living creatures with the contempt they so obviously deserve?

“’What would it be like if I didn’t release half-dead birds into the living room and chase them until they flap themselves to death?’

“Then I thought no, that’s ridiculous, and did a shit on the patio.”