‘The crowd definitely reached all the way to the Washington Monument,’ Trump tells May

PRESIDENT Trump has spent his full hour with the prime minister discussing the crucial issue of underestimated crowd sizes at his inauguration last week. 

Dismissing Theresa May’s attempts to bring up trade deals, NATO and China, Trump has insisted they go over the photographs once again until she understands exactly how big the event was.

He continued: “What the media did, what they did Theresa, was they edited the photographs. They can do that now with the cyber. They digitally removed the crowd.

“On this photo, taken from where I was, you can see the real crowd size. Huge, the biggest inauguration ever in history, period. Millions. No empty seats. None.

“I’d like us to come out of this summit and declare that together to the media. Present a united front because isn’t that what the Special Relationship means? Okay?”

Trump added: “Agreed? Okay, great. Fantastic. Okay, well now we’ve got that out of the way, let’s move on to the TV ratings.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'On hold' music to get angrier the longer you are on hold

THE length of time a person has been on hold to a call centre is to be reflected by increasingly furious hold music. 

Businesses from internet providers to banks will match songs to customers’ frustration as they spend minutes of their lives they will never get back waiting on the phone.

Customer relations manager Martin Bishop said: “It starts gently, with a Groove Armada chill-out track, then moves to irritating with a bit of Taylor Swift.

“After ten minutes we go to really intensely irritating with a medly of Crazy Frog, Willow Smith’s Whip My Hair and Black Eyed Peas’ My Humps. 

“From there it’s straight to anger, soundtracked by Rage Against The Machine and Public Enemy, and by the time you’ve been on hold for half-an-hour – highly likely – you’ll be listening to Kill Fuck Die by W.A.S.P.”

Customer Tom Logan said: “It really is a musical journey, sequenced like the best mixtapes.

“I punched a hole in the wall of my own house, so it perfectly captured the mood.”