Top 10 Pope facts

The Daily Mash presents a cut-out-and-keep guide to Francis, the first Jesuit  Pope who also happens to be Argentinean.

1) Was tempted to name himself ‘Fabio the First’.

2) Favourite film is the classic Jesuit fantasy The Exorcist. “At seminary I was voted ‘most likely to exorcise Pazuzu’.” 

3) Secretly believes the Falklands ‘are as British as steak and kidney pudding’.

4) May have met Adolf Eichmann. “Which one was he?”

5) Favourite food is wine.

6) Advises homosexuals to try having sex with a pumpkin instead.

7) Claims to be really good at karate and judo but won’t show anyone his moves because he ‘might take their eye out’.

8) Only pretended to like General Galtieri whenever they went on holiday together.

9) Banned Diego Maradona from masturbating with the Hand of God.

10) Would like to beat you until you apologise.

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Clever people lurking among us

CLEVER people continue to infiltrate normal society at all levels, it has emerged.

New research found that around one-third of people can do basic maths, technically making them ‘eggheads’ or ‘brainiacs’.

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “They look just like you or I, but they like sums and read books for fun.

“The government should ensure that all books contain a big fist on a spring that boings out and punches whoever’s reading them. Then all clever people would be clearly marked with a black eye.”