Thursday, 13th May 2021

The gammon's guide to going abroad

AIR bridges mean that holidaying abroad is back on, so beet-red patriot Roy Hobbs explains how to make the most of two weeks in countries full of foreign bastards.

Learn the lingo

Speaking other languages is as simple as saying the words in English but in a crude imitation of the local accent. Phrases like ‘Oi Pedro! How mucho for trip in el boato?’ or ‘Ou esta dos ketchup, chief?’ and they’ll be grateful you’ve made the effort.

Use your Brexiter’s cognitive dissonance

The EU’s Europe is a filthy, corrupt hellhole full of dangerous immigrants, so only a lunatic would want to go there. However it’s also brilliant for holidays. All good Brexiters have no problem maintaining completely contradictory thoughts, so book that flight to Tenerife now.

Remain in English enclaves

Spain has stunning landmarks like Seville Cathedral and the Prado, but f**k that. Ideally you want somewhere blisteringly hot but with a British-owned Only Fools and Horses-themed bar serving our national drink, Stella, alongside all-day breakfasts.

Don’t ever stop mentioning the war

They appreciate history over there, so seize upon any local link to WW2. Loudly discuss Allied shipping losses to U-boats in the Strait of Gibraltar and the battle for the Mediterranean while propping up the beach bar. Bloody Rommel.

Befriend other Brits

Ideally a borderline-alcoholic middle-aged woman from Romford and her husband sporting a copper bracelet that apparently helps his blood pressure. You’ll be so alike you’ll start to forget who’s who.

Don’t forget a souvenir

After starting a mass brawl on your EasyJet flight home, the resultant Daily Mail article ‘MID-AIR PUNCH-UP SHAME OF BOOZE BRITS’ will be yours to keep and treasure for the rest of your life.