The most annoying bastards you'll meet on holiday

STILL going abroad on holiday? Good luck avoiding infection, good luck in quarantine and good luck avoiding other irritating tourists, like these: 

UK lager lads

Gangly twats whose holiday involves very little pulling but a lot of getting paralytically drunk. Great if you like being woken at 3am by hotel staff hammering on their door after they’ve done some pointless shit like throwing a kettle into the pool.

Incredibly hot Eurocouple

These f**kers look as if they’ve just stepped out of a perfume advert. He has the physique of Ronaldo and she dresses like a bikini model. They’ll waste no time in stripping off on the beach on the next set of sunbeds to you and your partner, making you feel like a pair of Jabba the Hutts.

Weird lone traveller

A man who travels widely on his own and is an expert on any region he’s visiting, which seems great the first time he comes over at breakfast to recommend local landmarks, but before long you’ll want to tell him to take Ggantija Megaliths and stick them up his arse.

The Small Businessers

British couple who happily befriend you before revealing they only talk about money, property, their thriving business and his classic car. Never rich enough to be genuinely interesting, eg a Russian billionaire who holds ‘bear karate’ tournaments.

Representative xenophobe

Britain is all about xenophobia these days, and this lady’s come along to keep that fresh in everyone’s minds. Constantly and loudly slags off the country she’s visiting to other Brits, ignoring that other nationalities speak English. Will say ‘They’re all thieving bastards, the Italians’, while you smile embarrassed at waiters who assume you agree.

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Beer helmets, and four other items of common sense PPE

NEED to protect yourself from this coronavirus year on every possible level? Try these items of non-medical PPE: 

A beer helmet

Fashionable and practical, a hard hat with a can of Stella each side will protect you psychologically against a second wave while keeping your hands from touching your face. Compatible with a facemask and will protect your head when, after 12-16 cans, you keel over.

I’m With Stupid T-shirt

This classic T-shirt will keep anyone from standing within two metres of your left side for fear of being labelled stupid, cutting your infection risk by 50 per cent. Just make sure you don’t stand next to a mirror, or you will be the stupid you are with.

A telescopic arm

One of those mechanical extending hands, like Inspector Gadget, means you can keep a safe distance from shopkeepers while still squeezing veg, and a safe distance from friends while still offering human contact. Soon everyone will be using them.

Union Jack bunting

There was tons of this stuff knocking around back when we were doing congas for war veterans, and was there a spike in cases? No. Did they have coronavirus at the Golden Jubilee? I’ll leave you to put two and two together.

A degree from the university of life

The ultimate item of common sense protection. Years of menial graft and no fancy book-learning leaves you able to tackle whatever life throws at you, whether it’s a microscopic virus, losing your job or ground war with China. What’s all the fuss?