Sunday, 9th May 2021

The most annoying bastards you'll meet on holiday

STILL going abroad on holiday? Good luck avoiding infection, good luck in quarantine and good luck avoiding other irritating tourists, like these: 

UK lager lads

Gangly twats whose holiday involves very little pulling but a lot of getting paralytically drunk. Great if you like being woken at 3am by hotel staff hammering on their door after they’ve done some pointless shit like throwing a kettle into the pool.

Incredibly hot Eurocouple

These f**kers look as if they’ve just stepped out of a perfume advert. He has the physique of Ronaldo and she dresses like a bikini model. They’ll waste no time in stripping off on the beach on the next set of sunbeds to you and your partner, making you feel like a pair of Jabba the Hutts.

Weird lone traveller

A man who travels widely on his own and is an expert on any region he’s visiting, which seems great the first time he comes over at breakfast to recommend local landmarks, but before long you’ll want to tell him to take Ggantija Megaliths and stick them up his arse.

The Small Businessers

British couple who happily befriend you before revealing they only talk about money, property, their thriving business and his classic car. Never rich enough to be genuinely interesting, eg a Russian billionaire who holds ‘bear karate’ tournaments.

Representative xenophobe

Britain is all about xenophobia these days, and this lady’s come along to keep that fresh in everyone’s minds. Constantly and loudly slags off the country she’s visiting to other Brits, ignoring that other nationalities speak English. Will say ‘They’re all thieving bastards, the Italians’, while you smile embarrassed at waiters who assume you agree.