Saturday, 7th December 2019

The seven best worldwide locations to hide after drunk-texting your ex

IT’S A big world, filled with beautiful places; Paris, Mount Fuji, the Grand Canyon. But where’s the best place to hole up when you drunk-texted your ex the night before? 

Rub’ al Khali, Oman

Known as The Empty Quarter, this is the largest sand desert in the world and virtually uninhabited with no mobile reception. As such, it’s the perfect place to pitch your tent and cower in shame while muttering ‘Oh God no. Oh God’ to yourself.

Bouvet Island, South Atlantic

The most remote island in the world, any friends who’ve heard what you did from your ex hoping to send sympathetic but probing texts will face a long wait for you to receive them. Also offers perfect protection if screenshots go viral on Twitter.

Supreme Kebab, Glasgow

A little haven of violent dispute tucked away from the world, there’s no better location to sit in at 4am waiting for a reply while it slowly dawns on you that you may have made a mistake. You will be kept calm by the friendliness of Hussain behind the counter, who will call you ‘boss’.

Your parents' house 

Your mum will understand why you texted the person whose heart you broke a year ago with the obviously horny message ‘u up babe?’ Or so you hope, until she wakes you saying ‘What’s this about you texting Chris last night?’

Another ex's place 

Sometimes the best way to avoid the consequences of a mistake is to make an even bigger mistake. Go round to another ex without warning and stay for a deeply regrettable night. One little text will be the least of your problems.

Mars 

They say that Mars could be colonised, but that none of the colonists will ever make it back to Earth. Sounds good to you. Also, you might be able to make the ex jealous of your Instagram posts before your inevitable death.

Scunthorpe

Once you’ve spent a night here, you’ll never be allowed back into human society again. Good. You deserve it, after that text.