The seven best worldwide locations to hide after drunk-texting your ex

IT’S A big world, filled with beautiful places; Paris, Mount Fuji, the Grand Canyon. But where’s the best place to hole up when you drunk-texted your ex the night before? 

Rub’ al Khali, Oman

Known as The Empty Quarter, this is the largest sand desert in the world and virtually uninhabited with no mobile reception. As such, it’s the perfect place to pitch your tent and cower in shame while muttering ‘Oh God no. Oh God’ to yourself.

Bouvet Island, South Atlantic

The most remote island in the world, any friends who’ve heard what you did from your ex hoping to send sympathetic but probing texts will face a long wait for you to receive them. Also offers perfect protection if screenshots go viral on Twitter.

Supreme Kebab, Glasgow

A little haven of violent dispute tucked away from the world, there’s no better location to sit in at 4am waiting for a reply while it slowly dawns on you that you may have made a mistake. You will be kept calm by the friendliness of Hussain behind the counter, who will call you ‘boss’.

Your parents’ house 

Your mum will understand why you texted the person whose heart you broke a year ago with the obviously horny message ‘u up babe?’ Or so you hope, until she wakes you saying ‘What’s this about you texting Chris last night?’

Another ex’s place 

Sometimes the best way to avoid the consequences of a mistake is to make an even bigger mistake. Go round to another ex without warning and stay for a deeply regrettable night. One little text will be the least of your problems.

Mars 

They say that Mars could be colonised, but that none of the colonists will ever make it back to Earth. Sounds good to you. Also, you might be able to make the ex jealous of your Instagram posts before your inevitable death.

Scunthorpe

Once you’ve spent a night here, you’ll never be allowed back into human society again. Good. You deserve it, after that text.

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Girlfriend wants to see other people, tell everyone you're bad in bed, and see you die a horrible death

YOUR girlfriend has explained that she would like to see other people, reveal all your sexual secrets to the world, and see you die alone and unloved. 

The announcement, which came basically out of nowhere, has seen you frantically begging friends for reassurance it will all be okay while they confirm that it will not be.

Your girlfriend said: “I just want to have new experiences, you know? All I ask is to see other people and to savagely slag you off behind your back in every intimate, explicit detail. It’s not a big deal.

“I just think I’m too young to be making a lifelong commitment to someone I despise so much. It’s not you. It’s everything about you that I want to see destroyed.

“I really hope you move on with your life before dying in shameful circumstances while I laugh maniacally, with my new partner who will be better than you.”

A mutual friend said: “You shouldn’t take it personally. It’s just that the woman you were willing to die for is now convinced that you are a despicable and worthless human being, and if I’m honest I agree.”