Monday, 10th May 2021

The seven things Trump knows about British politics

DONALD Trump has weighed in on British politics again. Here are the seven things he knows about how our country works.

The Queen isn’t in charge

The Queen should be in charge but kind of isn’t but also is. The British people, they say she’s not in charge but she must be because she’s got all the money and the palaces and she’s the Queen. Doesn’t make sense. 

Farage and Johnson are the good guys

There are two people in British politics who are the good guys, the guys who say nice things about me, and they should work together. That’s obvious. If they need help there’s always Piers Morgan. 

Parliament is bad

In a democracy, the people elect the leader and the leader does whatever he wants, right? But then there’s these people in Parliament or Congress that keep getting in the way. We gotta abolish those, we really have. 

The Queen should be in charge

You think of London, you think of Buckingham Palace. So your Queen should run the country, which she’d make a fine job of doing, believe me. I’ve met her and she likes me a lot. You guys would be a big success with her at the top. 

Labour is for losers

It’s communism, okay? And communism doesn’t work. Look at Cuba. They used to have a lot of casinos there, beautiful casinos run by my friends in the Mafia. Now? Nothing. That’s why they shot President Kennedy. I’m not supposed to say that, the CIA tells me. 

Interfering in foreign elections is fine

You help your friends, okay? That’s how it works in politics or business. You help your friends and your friends help you. I get the dark money Boris needs to win whatever, you give your NHS to some buddies of mine who want it a lot. That’s just the deal. 

I should be King

You know what? If the Queen doesn’t want to do it, move over. I’m done being President because I’ve achieved so much. The Crown has the prime real estate. I know real estate. It’ll be beautiful. King Donald. You gotta admit it works.