Jeremy Corbyn's foolproof guide to losing an election

ARE you the leader of a political party trying to beat the most awful government in recent memory? Here Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn gives his advice on stuffing it up.

Don’t worry about charisma

Everyone knows the average voter loves policy details and takes no interest in personalities. If, like me, you sound like a jaded woodwork teacher wearily telling the class not to muck around with the chisels for the billionth time, that’s fine.

Alienate your natural voters

Some would say my confusing stance on Brexit was off-putting for most Labour supporters, but they couldn’t be more wrong. It worked brilliantly in the 2017 election, which was a huge victory for Labour, apart from not winning.

Focus on class struggle issues no one is interested in

British voters have shown a distinct lack of interest in the class struggle, but that’s because they haven’t been told about it enough. This time aspirational voters will flock to vote for someone who sounds like the boring Socialist Workers Party guy they used to avoid at university.

Be ambiguous 

If voters don’t know what your policies are you can’t be criticised for them. Anyway people love a mystery – just look at how popular TV crime thrillers are! There’s no danger they’ll just give up in despair and vote for Jo Swinson who is marginally less annoying.

Give the right-wing press plenty of ammunition

The press will crucify a Labour leader over the slightest thing. It’s unfair, but it’s a reality of British politics. So my plan is to refuse to play their game and continue to support weird causes and wear my odd-looking shell suit and Lenin hat with pride.

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Exes' favourite time to chat is 10.55pm

BRITAIN’S ex-partners have confirmed that just before 11pm is the best time to discuss how their life is going.

Former boyfriends and girlfriends are very much into having a rambling, awkward chat when they are extremely tired and thinking about going to bed.

Ex-boyfriend Martin Bishop said: “I love it when my ex Kate rings quite late in the evening. A stilted emotional conversation is just what I need when I’m knackered after work. 

“And it’s absolutely fine when she starts fishing for information about whether I’ve met someone else, or might do. I’m cool with being reminded that I’m single and haven’t had sex for two years.

“10.55pm is definitely the right time to call. I wouldn’t want Kate to have to go to bed without sharing all the incredibly trivial problems that are playing on her mind.”

Erstwhile partner Donna Sheridan said: “It’s nice that I can be a shoulder to cry on when Peter calls to tell me his life is a mess and drop heavy hints about ‘how good we were together’.

“If he’s really drunk that’s no problem because I love being told how beautiful I am in a slurred voice about 20 times.”