Theresa May in absolutely massive wild guess about Scottish people

THERESA May is betting the future of the UK on a gigantic wild guess about how Scottish people react to things.

The prime minister insisted that by denying Scotland an independence referendum before Brexit she will not be fuelling support for independence, but also admitted she has no idea whatsoever.

She said: “I’m kind of basing it on opinion polls. I know, what a lot of bollocks, but does anyone else have any clue? Nope? Thought so.”

Bill McKay, from Edinburgh, said: “She’s right to not have the faintest idea. I have no idea what I think about any of this any more.

“I can’t remember what I thought about it yesterday. I should probably start writing it down.

“Or better still, I’ll just tweet it to the world amidst a flurry of c-words and really quite specific threats.

“Yes, that’s what I’ll do.”

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Tories broke election spending laws to promote candidates who are just shit

THE Conservative Party broke campaign spending laws to promote candidates who are not worth a half-arsed, photo-copied leaflet.

Official investigations found the party spent £250,000 more than it was supposed to, all for the sake of electing some two-dimensional nobodies who can go on television and regurgitate some dreary soundbites.

A spokesman for the Electoral Commission said: “We’re thinking of actually scrapping the spending rules if the parties promise to stop putting up candidates who make you want to abolish democracy.

“They’re all at it. If they’re not actually in breach then they’re morally in breach Think how much money it cost to get Andy Burnham elected. That could have been used to pay a nurse. Or just pissed up a wall.”

A Conservative Party spokesman said: “Our conscience is clear. As a party we have never formally accepted that cheating exists.”