Time stops in Syria

ALL clocks and timepieces stopped across Syria on July 15 at 18:07 local time, it has emerged.

Hilary Clinton and William Hague have been stating on a daily basis that ‘time is running out’ for the Assad regime – and with minutes counting down and Mondays turning into Tuesdays it was clear that this was no empty rhetoric.

But it has since emerged that the war-ravaged country has fallen into the grip of a temporal standstill and is now permanently stuck at teatime.

Foreign correspondent Carolyn Ryan said: “Despite the US and UK’s repeated insistence that President Assad’s days are numbered, his number of days now appears set to remain exactly the same forever.

“The atmosphere in Damascus is eerie. While it remains frozen at just past six in the evening, there’s no prospect of a sunset or bedtime – people haven’t been able to sleep for over two weeks.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “It is not the first occasion on which, contrary to the solemn promises of Western leaders, time has actually stopped doing what time generally does.

“Take Zimbabwe back in 2008. We were told the same thing back then. Time running out for Mugabe. But the clocks stopped – it’s still 2008 there today. He’s still there.

“Political scientists have undertaken research for years to find out how these demented leaders do this.

“They’ve concluded that they must have some sort of a lever attached to a secret machine full of whirring brass cogs.”



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Johnson and Hunt to form worst ever superhero duo

LONDON’S daredevil mayor and Jeremy Hunt are to team up as the world’s least effective superhero duo, following public demonstrations of their respective superpowers.

Johnson, whose special power was revealed to be ‘hanging suspended’ is to be teamed up with Jeremy Hunt, whose special powers are ‘clinging on to his job’, and ‘hurling large metal bells at innocent bystanders’.

Johnson said: “The combination of my awesome powers of hanging helplessly above things, like some sort of nightmarish Christmas decoration, combined with Jeremy’s ability to hurl heavy bells at people minding their own business, will be unstoppable.

“London needs superheroes – too many honest citizens are scared to go into the city. That’s possibly because I’ve created a sense of paranoid hysteria about travel during the Olympics, but crime could be a factor too.

“Wherever there is strife, wherever there is injustice, Jeremy and I will be there, either dangling helplessly above it, or throwing a large brass bell at somebody near it.

“Names are still an issue. I’m toying with ‘Hanging Johnson’, ‘Suspendo’ or simply ‘The Dangler’.

“Jeremy is just going to go with ‘Bell’, which means he won’t have to change what’s written on his locker at work.”

“I’m as deliriously excited about this as I apparently am about absolutely everything else.”