Trump admits even he is terrified of Trump presidency

DONALD Trump has revealed he has had nightmares about him becoming president.

The billionaire admits that deep down he realises he is not fit to be president of his own hair.

Trump said: “I’ll be honest with you folks. I’m not the sort of guy who thinks things through and that’s why you seem to like me.

“I’m just a regular guy who watches the news, gets angry and starts spouting aloud harebrained, unworkable schemes.

“Thing is, when I’m elected I’m going to have to do these things, because a Trump doesn’t back down. But I tell you, with me in charge America would probably turn into a giant, paranoid, neo-fascist gun range, and that scares me.

“Also, I could blow up the White House, with me in it, because there’s a foreigner in the building. What if I get a whiff of North African spices coming from the kitchen? I could go berserk.”

He added: “It’s like my daddy always told me – ‘Son’, he’d say, puffing on his cigar, ‘You’re an idiot’.”

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Cover ritually pulled off Christmas Radio Times

THE Christmas Radio Times has been bought and its cover immediately removed in accordance with Yuletide tradition.

The magazine, which theoretically exists all year, has been bought and mutilated to mark the approach of Christmas by families across the country.

Roy Hobbs, from Hatfield, said: “Best part of the year, feeling those staples strain and then the crisp pop of the cover coming away in your hands.

“Then the family all flick through it, circling shows we want to see and asking each other why it has such a bloody thick holiday section when nobody has any bloody money after Christmas.

“And after that, we completely ignore it and do all our TV planning through the Freeview menu.”