Trump and Putin have first marital row

DONALD Trump and Vladimir Putin have had the first nasty row of their until-now harmonious relationship. 

The couple, who have previously never had anything but good things to say about each other, have fallen out over one of Vlad’s friends who Donald says is “way out of line”.

Marriage counsellor Dr Helen Archer said: “Hey. The course of true love never runs smooth.

“It’s been a beautiful romance, Vlad shyly courting Donald by hacking his opponents and Donald openly modelling himself on Vlad, but the honeymoon’s over.

“Every couple rows. They both need to ask themselves, how important is Syria to them? Is it really worth fighting over? Perhaps they’d feel closer if they bombed it together?

“Vlad has to realise Donald feels excluded, while Donald needs to understand that acting impulsively like this only feeds his insecurities.”

Wayne Hayes of Miami said: “I sure hope those guys can make things up. They’re great together. And I want to live.”

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Bookies don’t want your shitty £1 bet

THE nation’s bookmakers have told once-a-year punters to refrain from placing their pathetic Grand National bets this year.

Across the country, annual gamblers will walk into betting shops joking, laughing and otherwise ruining the atmosphere while staking a couple of pounds each way on the favourite.

Bookmaker Wayne Hayes said: “Every year they’re in here putting £2 on a 40-1 outsider called Chelsea Octopus because they support Chelsea and like octopuses, and it makes me sick.

“They take ages filling in their slips – Andy came in, lost his week’s wages on the roulette machine, went home and they still hadn’t finished – and then hand over £8 in grubby coins.

“They might as well save themselves the bother because best-case scenario is they win £30. It’s not exactly life-changing.

“Gambling isn’t fun. If you’re not sweating and shaking in front of the 2.35pm from Leopardstown on a Wednesday afternoon then don’t waste my time.”