Trump confirms Mexico is way better than America

DONALD Trump is refusing to return from Mexico after discovering how much better it is than America. 

Trump travelled to Mexico to meet President Pena Niento but quickly found the country so much more suited to his needs that he has resolved never to return.

He said: “No building regulations, no gun laws, the Coke’s made with cane sugar and the weather is fantastic.

“Why waste effort making America great again when just a few miles south there’s a country that’s already great without so many whiny white people? I’ve already picked out a new wife.

“And there’s no immigration problem here. Though I’m still going to build that wall but now the US is going to pay for it.”

President Pena Niento said: “I guess we take the rest of America’s trash, so whatever.”

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Concern grows for man seen buying incense sticks

A MAN has bought some sandalwood-scented joss sticks, according to concerned onlookers.

Nathan Muir was spotted making the purchase at a shop that also sells self-published books about angels, and is one of the sole surviving UK stockists of mood rings.

His father Martin Muir said: “Nathan enjoyed Magic Eye pictures in the 90s, dabbled with sarongs and burned joss sticks in his bedroom to unsuccessfully mask the smell of his bong.

“However, we are deeply concerned to see him messing around with so-called alternative lifestyle choices in his 30s.

“We didn’t support him through university and then ten years after that for him to piss it all away on being ‘spiritual’.”

Nathan, a financial advisor from Burnley, is known to have enrolled on a Tai Chi evening course at his local community centre at the beginning of the summer.

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “The first stage of recovery will be Nathan acknowledging that he needs help.

“His family is ready to fight this battle with him – as long as he doesn’t start getting into veganism or walking around with an owl.”