Brexit brainstorm comes up with idea of staying in Europe

A BREXIT brainstorming session has come up with the idea of boosting the UK’s economy by remaining in the EU. 

The entire Conservative cabinet was brought together to think of new and radical approaches to Brexit by prime minister Theresa May, who told everyone that there are no bad ideas and everything is on the table. 

Brexit secretary David Davis said: “It was 2am when Liam Fox said ‘If we need to be in the single market and we need freedom of movement, why don’t we join the EU?’

“Unfortunately we realised that, post-Brexit, there’s no way we’d meet the criteria – the country will be a wreck – but as we haven’t actually left yet we can simply stay in. 

“Also, we worked out how to eliminate all the thorny problems of juggling private healthcare providers by creating a state-run, state-owned health service. 

“We should have these brainstorms more often. Really gets you thinking out of the box.” 

Theresa May said: “Brexit means Brexit, and Brexit means continuing as a full member of the EU. What?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

People whose names begin with 'A' get pocket-called fifty times per day

PEOPLE whose names begin with ‘A’ get pocket-called a minimum of fifty times a day, it has emerged.

Researchers found that being the first person in someone’s phone book also leads to four-minute long voicemail messages that sounds like the muffled insides of someone’s pocket.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies said: “We spoke to one man called Aaron, whose phone went off eight times whilst we were chatting to him.

Each time he answered it, said ‘Hello’ four or five times and then hung up. He hasn’t slept for eight years.”

He added: “The only people who get more pocket calls than ‘A’ names are rappers whose names begin with a number.

2pac would have gotten so many pocket calls that it would have driven him mad, as would 2 Live Crew if they had a collective phone number.”

I’ve heard 2 Chainz doesn’t even bother answering his any more.”