Trump gives three-hour talk about UFOs

AFTER claiming the US election is rigged, Donald Trump has given a lengthy slideshow presentation about UFOs and lizard aliens.

Trump outlined a variety of UFO-based conspiracies using ‘classified’ documents, dozens of blurred photographs and books including Above Ultra-Secret: The Real Alien Files.

He said: “Rigging an election is nothing to a government that allows the Zeta Reticulans to abduct humans for anal probing in exchange for inter-dimensional portal technology.

“It’s been going on for years but the Men in Black cover it up. It’s only because I’m so rich and powerful I can talk about it without ending up as a breeding specimen in a slave colony on Neptune.”

Trump then spent 20 minutes discussing a massively enlarged photo of an ‘alien mothership sending out drones over Nevada’, which could also have been a cloud and some birds.

He continued: “Once you start digging it all falls into place. Roswell, the assassination of JFK, Betty and Barney Hill, 9/11 – there’s only one conclusion.

“Hillary is a robot. Or more specifically, a ‘womandroid’.”

Trump supporter Tom Logan said: “Any government that grows human-alien hybrids in jars would definitely rig the election. Apparently they get Bigfoot to eat the voting slips.

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I took a big pay cut to follow my dream, says patronising wanker

A FORMER banker who is now a baker cannot help mentioning how much money he used to earn.

29-year-old Tom Booker quit his ‘soulless but incredibly well-paid’ job as a corporate banking executive to start a less lucrative, but still annoying, artisan cake shop called Booker The Baker.

Booker, who thinks he is some pretty hot shit, said: “I was pulling in a six-figure salary but I just wasn’t happy.

“My life was all about work, and although I was highly successful due to being gifted at everything, I felt I needed a more meaningful way of life.”

The conceited fucker has since moved to Totnes and started an expensive bakery, which he can do because he is financially sorted from his years of ruining the world.

He added: “Money isn’t important to me. Although as I may have mentioned, I did used to make a lot of it. An awful lot.”

Bakery assistant Nikki Hollis said: “I love it when Tom talks about ditching his corporate career like some sort of latter-day Jesus, because he still makes quite a lot and pays me the minimum wage.

“Also he doesn’t let me take any out-of-date buns home because it might affect ‘his brand’, the fucking prick.”