Trump: ‘I am literally an eagle’

DONALD Trump has told America that he is actually an enormous eagle with red-and-white striped wings. 

The Republican presidential candidate’s convention address revealed that he is a bald eagle with an 80-foot wingspan who holds a rolled copy of the US constitution in one claw and a handgun in the other.

He continued: “I scatter hundred-dollar bills wherever I soar, unless it is above America’s enemies where I drop bombs that hurt only the evil and never the innocent.

“Wherever my shadow falls there is freedom. Wherever I perch there is justice. I kept the peace in the Old West and I kicked Hitler’s ass in World War Two.

“The haters will say I am not an eagle, that I do not have magnificent plumage of red, white and blue, that God Bless America does not automatically swell behind me whenever I speak.

“Real Americans know the truth.”

Mary Fisher of Wyoming said: “He’s a goddamn eagle alright, in a stars-and-stripes top hat riding a Harley Davidson.

“Saw it with my own eyes.”

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Should Fiona Bruce's eyebrows be on my list of what's wrong with Britain?

Dear Holly,
I’m just perfecting my leadership manifesto, where I am going to tackle the five ills of 21st Century Britain. They are: hipsters; people who use hashtags on Facebook; Brooklyn Beckham; referring to another individual as ‘bey’; alcoholics masquerading as ‘craft beer enthusiasts’; and any idiot who cannot grasp the simple rules of apostrophisation. I feel deep down that Fiona Bruce’s eyebrows should also be on the list but she is probably a bit too 20th century. I can’t decide – can you help?
Jeremy Corbyn

Dear Jeremy,
If I was PM, the first thing I would do is abolish mathematics, and all maths teachers because they are completely pointless now we have calculators and computers and I can’t see why anyone hasn’t thought of this before. It’s a massive scam and must be stopped for the good of society. All maths teachers could then be tried in The Hague for crimes against humanity and locked in prison where no poor child will ever get blasted with their rancid coffee breath ever again. And also free pick n mix for EVERYONE.
Hope that helps,