Russia to host Olympic Games on Drugs

RUSSIA is to host an alternative Olympic Games where drug use is obligatory. 

The terrifying nation is planning an athletics event where it promises more world records will be ‘crushed’ than ever before.

A spokesman said: “You want to see a man run faster than a greyhound? To watch hurdlers take them two at a time? To see a pole vaulter who needs a parachute?

“Come to Yalta and see what the human body is capable of when unchained from effeminate, Western regulations.

“Warning – some athletes may explode.”

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180,000 new Labour members thought they were getting Beyonce tickets

THE 180,000 new registered Labour supporters thought they were buying exclusive front-row access to a Beyonce gig. 

Tens of thousands, after hearing there was only a two-day window for registration and prices had gone up by 733 per cent, naturally assumed it had to be for tickets.

Beyonce fan Donna Sheridan said: “If you’re being ripped off this severely, it’s for a gig.

“So when I heard the £25 wasn’t even for full membership but only the opportunity to show my support I entered my card details immediately and checked the small print later, though I was slightly suspicious when there was no processing fee of £12.95.

“Who the fuck is Jeremy Corbyn? Does he even slay?”

A Labour spokesman said: “All our new supporters should realise that while Jeremy is very much a political Beyonce, Owen Smith isn’t even a Kelly.

“He’s Michelle.”