Tutankhamun 'killed by frying pan', say experts

KING Tutankhamun died after being spanked very hard in the face with a heavy frying pan, a leading Egyptologist has claimed.

As the face of the boy king was revealed to the world for the first time in three thousand years, experts agreed that the 18th Dynasty pharaoh had clearly been the victim of a pan-wielding assassin.

“Tutankhamun was famed for his long, sensitive nose,” said Professor Jean-Claude Lafarge, of the University of Luxor.

“But look at it now. Someone must have absolutely fucking whacked him with a frying pan.”

Dr Abdul Al-Maktar, head of pots at the Cairo Institute, said the spanking seemed to have been caused by a flat, heavy iron pan with a long handle.

“The ancient Egyptians called it a faktiti and used it for cooking eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes, sausages, black pudding and bacon.”

He added: “Look how hard they hit him. They must have taken a run-up.”

There is evidence contained within ancient hieroglyphs of a plot to kill the young pharoah with a kitchen implement.

A papyrus dating from around 1320 BC, discovered near Abu Simbel, reads: “The Living Image of Amun has betrayed his destiny and inflicted poor harvests upon Thebes.

“I think I might banjo the big-nosed bastard with the wife’s faktiti.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Brown Congratulates Vorderman's Gigantic Chest

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has sent a special 25th anniversary message to Carol Vorderman's increasingly enormous breasts.

Mr Brown led tributes to the chest which has grown steadily since it first appeared on Channel 4 on November 2, 1982.

The Prime Minister said: "When I first started watching Carol Vorderman's breasts I remember them being perky but lacking substance.

"When I turned on the television yesterday afternoon I thought to myself, 'Christ, those things are huge now'."

Vorderman was originally chosen for the efficient way

she removed letters from a tray, but her shy, retiring chest soon became the star of the show, often outshining the massive breasts of long-time host Richard Whiteley.

Since achieving dominance in the mid-1990s the size of Vorderman's breasts have increased in direct proportion to her salary.

Mr Brown also paid tribute to the Channel 4 quiz Countdown, as it marks 25 uninterrupted years of subduing the population.

A senior Labour

source said: "Gordon is an obsessive fan and will fly into one of his dark rages if the contestants beat him to the conundrum.

"A couple of years ago he was over the moon when he managed to use all nine letters to spell out 'TB is a cock'."

The source added: "Unfortunately he's still a total fucknut when it comes to the numbers round."