Police To Wear Hairnets While Shooting Suspects In The Face

METROPOLITAN police officers are to face tough new health and safety regulations for shooting people in the face, including hairnets and sterilised ear muffs.

From next April all apprehended suspects will have to be held in position while a team of specially trained Polish cleaners scrub down the surrounding area.

Once the necessary 'wet-floor' warning signs are in place and all personnel, including the suspect, have been fitted with hairnets and rubber gloves, the shooting in the face at point blank range can commence.

As soon as the sterilised bullets have been delivered to the safest part of the suspect's face, the wounds must then be covered with a blue plaster.

The police drew up the new rules after a series of shocking health and safety breaches during the accidental shooting in the face at point blank range of suspected electrician Jean Charles De Menezes.

A Scotland Yard spokesman said: "Getting shot in the face on the way to work is just one of the risks associated with living in the same society as the Metropolitan Police."

He added: "Throughout the accidental shooting in the face of Mr Al Menezes, our officers were in danger from slipping, excessive noise and coming into contact with an open and possibly infected wound.

"Not only will the police be better protected but members of the public can have confidence they will be shot in the face in a safe and healthy fashion."

Meanwhile Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair has announced plans to knee the Archbishop of Canterbury in the testicles before calling a press conference and refusing to resign.

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Daily Express Issues Death Threat To Heather Mills

THE Daily Express last night became the first British newspaper to issue a formal death threat against ranting fruitcake Heather Mills McCartney.

The World's Greatest Newspaper sent a wreath to her house with a card saying 'I wanna hold your hand (over a hot stove)' and a copy of Silly Love Songs which when played backwards includes the phrase, 'we've got a landmine with your name on it'.

A spokesman for the Daily Express, said they intended to blow up Mills after she branded the British press as a 'poisonous rag bag of filth, lies, distortion and innuendo'.

"Filth, lies, distortion… obviously," he added. "But our readers are not intelligent enough for innuendo and it's outrageous of her to suggest otherwise."

Media commentator Wayne Hayes said: "Other papers may mentally torture already insane individuals on a whim but only the Daily Express is prepared to actually blow someone up for having one leg and marrying a Beatle.

"It harks back to the glory days of the Express, when Lord Beaverbrook threatened to push Gracie Fields under a tram."

Mills is currently in the middle of an acrimonious divorce from Sir Paul McCartney, one of Britain's most cherished drug-takers and the man responsible for timeless classics such as Ebony and Ivory, Pipes of Peace and the Frog Chorus.