Police To Wear Hairnets While Shooting Suspects In The Face

METROPOLITAN police officers are to face tough new health and safety regulations for shooting people in the face, including hairnets and sterilised ear muffs.

Someone could get hurt

From next April all apprehended suspects will have to be held in position while a team of specially trained Polish cleaners scrub down the surrounding area.

Once the necessary 'wet-floor' warning signs are in place and all personnel, including the suspect, have been fitted with hairnets and rubber gloves, the shooting in the face at point blank range can commence.

As soon as the sterilised bullets have been delivered to the safest part of the suspect's face, the wounds must then be covered with a blue plaster.

The police drew up the new rules after a series of shocking health and safety breaches during the accidental shooting in the face at point blank range of suspected electrician Jean Charles De Menezes.

A Scotland Yard spokesman said: "Getting shot in the face on the way to work is just one of the risks associated with living in the same society as the Metropolitan Police."

He added: "Throughout the accidental shooting in the face of Mr Al Menezes, our officers were in danger from slipping, excessive noise and coming into contact with an open and possibly infected wound.

"Not only will the police be better protected but members of the public can have confidence they will be shot in the face in a safe and healthy fashion."

Meanwhile Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair has announced plans to knee the Archbishop of Canterbury in the testicles before calling a press conference and refusing to resign.