UK to intervene on both sides of Syria conflict

BRITAIN is to simultaneously help both sides in Syria’s bloody civil war, it has emerged.

It's a classic win/win war situation

The Foreign Office cited Assad’s strong trading links with the UK and his nice-looking British wife as the reason to stand by him, and the regime’s brutal repression and shelling of civilians as the moral case for backing the rebels.

Foreign Secretary William Hague said: “We also need cheap crude oil for multinational businesses who may deign to give us a tiny slice of their profits in tax, but at the same time UK voters are starting to notice the rampant destruction now the football’s over.

“People at home are watching reports and getting increasingly concerned the conflict may escalate to special ‘war news’ and spill over into other telly like TOWIE.

“So we’ve divvied things up, with the Assad regime getting the air support and the tracksuit-clad rebels getting the arms to shoot them down with.

“Fair’s fair.”

Prime Minister David Cameron said: “This is the kind of diplomatic brilliance that my brand of compassionate conservatism brings to the international stage.

“Can any of us really say that we understand an Arab regime, with all those Sunnis and Shias and so on? What’s important is that we act decisively.

“As a gesture of support for the regime I ordered hummus with my lunch today, and as a gesture of support for the rebels I left it on the side of my plate. Or was that the other way around?”