US agrees to call Afghanistan a draw

THE US military has generously agreed with the Taliban to call their 20-year conflict a draw. 

As troops heroically retreat from Kabul while flying the stars and stripes wish locals the best of luck, the United States was in negotiations with the incoming leaders to chalk up the conflict as a tie.

President Biden said: “Let’s not go back and forth forever to try and name a winner. Just call it a draw and get on with our lives. Good game everyone, good game.

“Not to burst your bubble, but just because you’ve claimed Kabul within a week doesn’t make this a win. It’s merely balanced the scales.

“Remember how we stormed in, drove you out, installed a new regime and Bush said ‘Mission Accomplished’? Well, that was premature, so don’t get carried away like we did. This is officially points shared.

“Quit while you’re ahead. Don’t double down and seek revenge, otherwise we’ll have to come knocking, f**k it up again, and we’ll all be back to square one.”

Rahim Sarban of Kabul said: “Honestly it feels to me more like a loss. I guess I shouldn’t have such high expectations.”

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The six worst reasons to hear from your ex

‘TIS better to have loved and lost, and even better to never hear from your ex again. Especially not if they get in touch for these reasons: 

They’ve worked out why they dumped you

The initial break-up was a textbook case of meaningless platitudes: they even said ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ and expected to get away with it. But now, after some rumination, they’re coming back to you with a full analysis of your character flaws including graphs. You are not invited to reciprocate.

They’re ready to give it another go

They dumped you. But apparently the grass was less green, the sea denuded of fish and they’ve had all the space they needed so badly, because they’re back and loftily gifting you a second chance. And having spent the weeks since the split swiping through duds on dating apps, you’re tempted. To get dumped again.

They’re ready for closure

Breaking your heart made them feel bad about themselves, which is apparently your problem, so they’re sniffing around for forgiveness and an ego boost. The conversation will focus on how much happier they are, how toxic you were, how bad you should feel about that and for how long. Their closure will never require one last shag.

They’ve got an STI

There’s no way to coyly drop this into conversation but your ex is too awkward to be upfront about it. So you’ll sit through a healthy, adult dinner together where you’ll start to believe you really could still be friends, then they’ll say ‘So, does it burn when you piss?’

They’ve met someone else and the sex is fantastic

Can be disguised as a desire for friendship, returning some of your stuff, or not wanting to leave on bad terms but really it’s a desire to inform. Like Kano’s finishing move in Mortal Kombat, where he tears out his opponent’s still beating heart and holds it high in his hand.

They’re pregnant

Ah. Game over. Far from never having to see your ex ever again, you’re now locked into a life of co-parenting because you were too lazy to pull out. Wave goodbye to your bachelor lifestyle of watching films all day and say hello to the parental duties of watching children’s films all day.