Vatican aims for fastest-ever poping

CARDINALS are today hoping to pope in record-breaking time.

Insiders said the conclave in the Sistine Chapel was loose, limber and the conditions under foot were perfect for the quickest poping in the Church’s 2,000-year history.

A source said: “They are all praying for divine guidance at tremendous speed. Cardinal Dalton has been clocking over 900 words a minute, but he still looks totally relaxed.

“I think the general feeling is ‘if God can hear everything at the same time, then let’s crank this fucker up a notch’.”

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Falklands penguins bide their time

THE penguins of the Falkland Islands last night continued to play the ‘long game’.

As a new war of words broke out after the Islands’ humans voted to stay British, experts said the flightless birds would watch and wait as Argentina and the UK destroyed themselves.

Julian Cook, professor of avian geopolitics at Roehampton University, said: “They will be feeding misinformation to both sides while stoking irrational fears about both Anglo-Saxon and Hispanic ethnicity.

“They are utterly amoral and we ignore their machinations at our certain peril.”

He added: “Once you know what you’re looking for, you realise the war of 1982 had penguin fingerprints all over it.”

But last night Argentina stressed it did not care what the Falkland Islanders wanted, unless they were full of oil.

A spokesman said: “How much oil do you reckon you could squeeze out of an average-sized person? For example, would it get you to the shops and back in a Volkswagen Polo?”

Meanwhile, the Islanders celebrated their vote to remain part of Britain while staying as far away from it as possible without actually starting a colony on the moon.

Roy Hobbs, from Port Stanley, said: “I hear that in Britain the rats are the size of pigs and the pigs are the size of Ford Cortinas. My Aunt Susan went there once. She got impregnated by a tiny, magical Scotsman.”

Nathan Muir, a penguin from Sulivan Harbour, said: “I am but a simple fisherman. Good day to you.”