Vegas trip now compulsory for tossers

A WEEK in Vegas has become a rite of passage for tosser blokes, it has emerged.

Men who are too into themselves confirmed that a ‘lads’ week’ in Las Vegas was now essential for anyone hoping to become a fully-fledged tosspot.

Estate agent Stephen Malley said: “I am a massive tosser, which is something I’m proud of. But I don’t take any younger wannabe tossers seriously until they’ve ‘dropped £8k in a night’ in a massive corporate casino with no windows.

“I’m all about wasting large sums of money, claiming to drink more than I actually did and then sleeping with a prostitute who steals my trousers.

“Vegas baby!”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “My boss constantly boasts about how he spent a five-figure sum in one night on a Blackjack table.

“But from the way he explained it, it became clear that he just didn’t understand the rules and was essentially bragging about being a stupid idiot.

“Also, Blackjack is really just Pontoon.”




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Hunt suggests 'medicine banks'

JEREMY Hunt has proposed food bank-style ‘medicine banks’ where people can donate unwanted and possibly out-of-date medicines.

The health secretary, who is roundly hated by everyone, said that following the success of food banks Britain was ready for a medical equivalent.

Hunt said: “People could give unfinished bottles of Calpol and bandages that were only worn for a brief period before they dropped off in a bath to their local medicine banks.

”Even a half drunk bottle of Buckfast has medicinal qualities.

“Maybe someone found a wrap of cocaine in their flat after moving in and didn’t know what do with it, well they can bring it down.

“Even if you find a sturdy stick while out for a walk, that could make a good splint.”