We Did Actually Eat Four Guys, Admit Chilean Miners

THE first of the trapped Chilean miners brought to the surface have admitted that four of their colleagues were delicious.

Rescued miner Mario Sepulveda was in charge of garlic and sauces

The jubilant miners hugged their families and shouted for joy before quietly informing the rescuers they would only need to do 29 trips.

Florencio Avalos, trapped for 64 days, said: “We were just going to keep quiet about it and hope no-one noticed. ‘Oh no, there was only 29 of us, why would you think there was 33?’. But we kind of realised you had probably been through the list a couple of times.

“Then we thought about saying they were eaten by a dragon, but then there would be this whole big dragon finding expedition and when it came back empty handed eventually someone would start asking lots of awkward questions. Particularly as we’ve all gained a bit of weight.

“So eventually we thought, best just to come clean straight away so everyone can move on with their lives and we need never speak of it again.”

Bolivian Carlos Mamani added: “All we had was these biscuits. After the first 12 hours I was like, ‘these are just rubbish’ and so I hit Manuel over the head with a big rock and made some sausages.

“It’s okay, he was a terrible racist.”

Mamani said the other three dishes were all racist child molesters who stole food and water and had eventually begged to be made into stew, burgers and a really lovely slow-roasted shift supervisor.

“The sense of unity and togetherness down there was amazing. No-one said ‘this is too spicy for me’ or ‘I don’t like chins’, we all just eat who was put in front of us.”

He added: “I would like Tobey Maguire to play me in the film please.”