ENGLAND’S football chiefs have declared last night’s 0-0 draw null and void after failing to find Montenegro in their 1959 Atlas Of The World.
They have called on UEFA to investigate where last night’s team actually came from, amidst fears of a repeat of last year’s calamitous tour of SuperMarioLand.
An FA spokesman said: “This is all a ruse by a collection of Eastern European countries to make us look like a bunch of tits.
“‘Montenegro’ doesn’t sound remotely like a real country. It sounds like a Dick Emery character they’d never get away with on television any more.”
Suspicions were first raised when team manager Zlato Kranjcar was unable to confirm the correct term for somebody from Montenegro, alternating between ‘Montenegrecians’ and ‘Monte-‘N’-words’.
The flag given to Wembley staff appeared to be the crest from a bottle of German beer and the CD of the national anthem, entitled ‘Oj Svijetla Majska Zoro’, later turned out to be a Polish copy of the soundtrack to the 1998 film The Mask Of Zorro.
Fabio Capello also feels that England struggled to overpower their opposition as the players were unaware of what racial slurs to mutter at them during corners and free kicks.
He added: “We we unprepared and did not know whether to insult their food, their weather or their implied institutional homosexuality. It will be much easier in our next game against the sheep-raping dwarves.”