Montenegro Not Even A Real Country, Claims FA

ENGLAND’S football chiefs have declared last night’s 0-0 draw null and void after failing to find Montenegro in their 1959 Atlas Of The World.

They have called on UEFA to investigate where last night’s team actually came from, amidst fears of a repeat of last year’s calamitous tour of SuperMarioLand.

An FA spokesman said: “This is all a ruse by a collection of Eastern European countries to make us look like a bunch of tits.

“‘Montenegro’ doesn’t sound remotely like a real country. It sounds like a Dick Emery character they’d never get away with on television any more.”

Suspicions were first raised when team manager Zlato Kranjcar was unable to confirm the correct term for somebody from Montenegro, alternating between ‘Montenegrecians’ and ‘Monte-‘N’-words’.

The flag given to Wembley staff appeared to be the crest from a bottle of German beer and the CD of the national anthem, entitled ‘Oj Svijetla Majska Zoro’, later turned out to be a Polish copy of the soundtrack to the 1998 film The Mask Of Zorro.

Fabio Capello also feels that England struggled to overpower their opposition as the players were unaware of what racial slurs to mutter at them during corners and free kicks.

He added: “We we unprepared and did not know whether to insult their food, their weather or their implied institutional homosexuality. It will be much easier in our next game against the sheep-raping dwarves.”



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Students To Pay £36,000 For Magic Beans

UNIVERSITIES should be be able to charge up to £12,000 a year for magic beans, according to a major review of higher education funding.

The review, chaired by Lord Browne, calls for the current fee limit of one cow to be scrapped, allowing the best universities to set their own bean tariff.

Under the proposed system the universities will be able to approach prospective undergraduates on their way to market and offer them a small bag full of beans in exchange for the family cow, plus another £33,000 to be paid with interest until they die at their desk.

They will also give the student a full colour leaflet explaining why the beans are magic.

After three years the student will plant the beans, wait to see if they grow into a beanstalk that leads them to a golden egg-laying goose or chicken and then move back in with their parents because there is no such thing as magic beans and the world’s goose population is controlled by small Chinese computers.

Lord Browne said: “If you meet a person who believes that your beans are magic then it is only reasonable that you should be allowed to take as much of their money as you can possibly get away with.

“I don’t see how this is unfair to anyone except idiot teenagers.”

The Confederation of British Industry welcomed the review insisting it would ensure that UK companies have a world class supply of ambitious, energetic young people who had paid £36,000 to never really understand Wordsworth or Marxism.

Meanwhile Sir Roy Hobbs, vice chancellor of Reading University, said he was excited by the proposals, adding: “We are about to discover if there is anyone monumentally cretinous enough to pay £12,000 a year for some magic beans with the words ‘media studies’ written on them.

“I suspect we’ll do just dandy.”