We'll definitely be needing a hard border now, confirms Arlene Foster

DUP leader Arlene Foster has told the government they will absolutely have to have a post-Brexit hard border after that.

Ireland’s decision to repeal the eighth amendment has left the DUP with no choice but to build a wall 88ft high to stop pregnant young women leaving Northern Ireland.

She said: “We’ll need sea defences too. To stop them kayaking round.

“Northern Ireland is British, not Irish, and our girls must be protected from the benighted ignorance of these religious cultists.

“I would like, if we could, for the wall to be visible from space, so God can see it. It’ll cost £88 billion.”

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Hipster with pipe admits he has gone too far this time

A HIPSTER has disgusted even himself with his latest affectation of smoking a pipe. 

Nathan Muir, a craft beer social media guru of Shoreditch, confessed that the pipe has tipped his daily uniform of blue-tinted glasses, three-inch squared-off beard and neck tattoos over the edge.

He said: “I even hate the smell of it. Cardomon tobacco? But of course I couldn’t have the ordinary kind.

“All the other man-buns sigh with resignation when I get the foul thing out – it’s a 1939 half-bent billiard – but I can’t drop it now, I’m committed.

“But honestly I caught my reflection when I was DJing at the barbers the other day, pipe clamped in teeth, and an instinctive loathing rose within me. My fists twitched. The H-A-T-E tattoo on my knuckles felt non-ironic.

“I think this might be it. I might finally be too horrified at what I’ve become to continue. I’m free.”