We're here to play Wimbledon, say Channel migrants

MIGRANTS in the English Channel are trying to enter the country in order to play in Wimbledon, they have claimed. 

Following Novak Djokovic’s triumph against Australia’s legal system, migrants on Dungeness beaches are informing border officials they are seeded for the All England Lawn Tennis Championships.

Migrant Fawad Zahir said: “We’re early, but there’s qualifications and the Queen’s beforehand. Wimbledon’s not just one fortnight, you know.

“Many of us are unranked wildcards so we need all the preparation time we can get. Any one of us could be the English Djokovic.”

Fellow migrant Yasaman Yazdani said: “It seemed worrying when the Border Force pulled up alongside us, but we waved our rackets and they laughed, shook their heads at their own stupidity, and escorted us to land.

“A cheering throng lined the clifftops of Dover to welcome us. The English are famed for their hospitality to tennis players, but so heartwarming to see in real life.”

Border guard Stephen Malley said: “They’re not English, but as they pointed out neither is Andy Murray so there’s wiggle room.”

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Twats have booked the next fortnight off

THE worst possible twats who worked over Christmas have booked the next two weeks off, it has emerged. 

All the smug dickheads who selflessly offered to carry the burden while everyone else pissed about are now off for a fortnight while there is actual serious work to be done.

Tom Logan of Crawley said: “Oh, did I not mention this while you were wasting precious holiday on visiting relatives and sitting about bored eating biscuits? Yeah. Off mate.

“Two weeks off in January. Just as shit really gets started in the office, this selfless servant of the greater good is skipping off for a full fortnight.

“Where am I going? You’d like it to be nowhere, wouldn’t you. You’d like me to be so exhausted I need this time just to recharge. You’d still resent it, but not as much as the two weeks in Jamaica I’m actually having.

“Yeah that’s right. I’m spending two weeks in a tropical paradise while you’re in Britain in January. And those days I worked over Christmas? There was f**k all to do because nobody was in. Ha.”

Colleague Joanna Kramer said: “I hate him so, so much. I’m doing it next year.”