What is arraignment, and how do I give mind-blowing oral? Stormy Daniels answers your legal and sexual questions

CONFUSED by what Trump’s court appearance means, and by how to best perform fellatio? Stormy Daniels answers your questions about the US legal system and sex:

What is arraignment?

The formal reading of the charges, in which different jurisdictions may or may not require a plea to be submitted. Really it’s just preliminary court procedure.

How do I give amazing blowjobs?

People make too much of technique. Enthusiasm is key, and eye-contact is always a turn-on. Also I always feel moving your mouth away at the last minute is cheating.

Can Trump still run for president?

Yes. Being a convicted felon is no bar. The only qualifications are that you must be 35, resident for 14 years and born in America. Are you actually interested? Trump’s over, while I’m a three-time winner of the Favourite Breasts award.

What’s the best position for deep penetration?

That’s better. As a woman, I find reverse cowgirl really stimulates the G-spot. You can’t see your partner, but that can be an advantage if he’s a distracting shade of Oompa Loompa orange.

Could the court case actually help Trump if he runs for president?

This is outside my expertise, but supposedly being hounded by the liberal establishment plays well with the conspiratorial alt-right mindset, though it could deter more traditional conservatives. Trump’s already got all the QAnon types on board so for me he can only lose from this. Can we get back to f**king now?

Did Trump ask you to do a ‘piss tape’?

No. The fabled piss tape likely does not even exist, and I’d have said no. However I would recommend watching porn with your partner to get you in the mood. I’d suggest my own moving tribute to our Gulf War veterans, Operation Desert Stormy. It’s a film with everything – adventure, comedy, anal.

Will Trump be handcuffed?

No. His defence have done a deal and he doesn’t pose an escape risk. He looked pretty winded after forgettable missionary, so I can’t see him sprinting through the streets of New York.

Speaking of which, how can I improve my ‘staying power’ in bed?

Male co-stars tell me the technique of thinking about something off-putting does work. Visualise doing your tax returns, cleaning the cat’s litter tray or Trump having sex. I’ve been there, and it could cure every case of premature ejaculation.

Could Trump go to prison?

In theory, yes. Although categorised as a low-level felony, falsifying business records can carry a sentence of up to four years.

Have you done any films set in prison?

Predictably, yes. Check out Predator III where I get down to some hot girl-on-girl prison action with Kylie Ireland. Trump won’t be in a women’s prison full of implausibly hot inmates. He’ll be in a real men’s prison. He’s unlikely to be targeted sexually in the showers but his hair will be ruthlessly mocked.

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The six best period features for really wanking on about at a dinner party

WANT to be the smuggest arsehole round the table? Wax lyrical about features that happened to come with your house as if they were personal achievements, like these:

Exposed beams

Seeing the structure of your house visibly at work is frowned upon unless it’s really old. Beloved by estate agents, these brown blocks hang so low they’ll give your taller guests concussion. When describing them, say the word ‘character’ incessantly until it loses all meaning.

Weird rooms like pantries

Your friend’s houses might have normal, functional rooms like bedrooms and living rooms, but that can’t compare to your 17th century parlour or creepy priest hole. Annoy your dinner guests by acting like you’re special because you’ve got a cupboard for cereal that you can physically walk into.

Crown moulding

No one with a new house knows what this is, so don’t be shy about boring them to death by explaining. The corners of your ceiling being all curled and fancy due to some extravagant Victorian wanting to show off is highly desirable, despite your guests’ snide remarks about how difficult it must be to clean.

Wooden floors

Subtly brag about how much money you can afford to blow on heating by explaining how you pulled up a cosy carpet to find the original floorboards beneath. Then bang on about how long it took to restore them, but miss out the bit where you did f**k all apart from pay a bloke you found on Facebook to do the hard, messy job for you.

A f**k off massive fireplace

Your friends think they’re special because they’ve just had a wood burner installed, but their minds are blown when they see the huge, ornate fireplace in your new living room. Not because they can actually stand up inside it, but because you have to burn a small forest just to heat the metre or so of space directly in front of it.

Sash windows

Why would anyone choose the convenience of a lightweight plastic window when they could dislocate a shoulder heaving these antiquated lumps of wood up and down? Explain how you couldn’t possibly have ruined the charm of the property by installing uPVC ones, but don’t mention the fact that the sashes are horribly draughty and rattle like f**k in the slightest breath of wind.