Commuter deeply resentful of minor interruption to his miserable routine

A COMMUTER who had to briefly break from his unvaried robotic morning routine to help a stranger is still furious about it.

Martin Bishop was heading to his usual spot on platform ten of Reading station to arrive at precisely 7.42am when a stranger stepped into his path and demanded information he does not customarily give.

He said: “I feel like I’ve been mugged.

“This woman, who definitely isn’t one of the regulars to Paddington or I’d recognise her from years of avoiding eye contact, just starts speaking to me as if that’s okay.

“I had to remove my earbuds then gesture for her to repeat her question while gazing fixedly on the floor, and then tell her which platform it was for Bristol. As if not having a 3D mental map of this entire station due to the hours spent here was somehow normal.

“Then I had to keep nodding while she thanked me, and by the time she’d finished I was three minutes behind on my podcast and Canada Goose coat man had taken my spot exactly where the doors open and, you guessed it, subsequently seat C39. Day ruined.

“The whole upset shattered my composure. I’ll suffer intrusive thoughts about the crushing misery of my monotonous life all day now.”

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The shit boyfriend's guide to what makes a woman seem needy

WOMEN are high maintenance creatures compared to me, a chilled out boyfriend. Here are five things they do that are especially needy.

Messaging me

I’m not talking about a constant barrage of witty chat, amusing life updates and sexy selfies. It goes without saying that such behaviour is clingy and off putting. No, even two or three messages like ‘u ok?’ and ‘want to meet up?’ spread throughout the course of a day is excessive. A chilled girlfriend would message me as often as my closest bro: once every six months.

Taking photos together

God, is there anything more suffocating than a girlfriend putting her arm around you and taking a selfie on her phone? Tell me I’m wrong, fellas! The only time partners should get photographed together is on their wedding day, and even then they should appear stony-faced and stand a few feet apart. It might be the happiest day of your life, but don’t get carried away.

Asking how my day’s been

The last thing I want after spending a long hard day grafting is to come home to a loving girlfriend taking an interest in my life. Why can’t women learn to be cool and leave me alone in the garage until it’s time to go to sleep? I’m not totally unreasonable, if they want to briefly pop in and quietly hand me a steak, I’m willing to compromise.

Wanting to spend time together

After you’ve matched on a dating app, been on a couple of dates and banged, there’s really no need to meet up more than twice a month. Otherwise you might run out of things to talk about. And I’ve got an incredibly busy life what with spending five hours a night playing Call of Duty with strangers online, so I’ve got to guard my time carefully.

Saying ‘I love you’

Ugh, pass the sick bucket! Just because love is supposed to be the foundation of a romantic relationship doesn’t mean you should actually say it out loud. At least that’s what I’ve inferred from my parents. Instead, girlfriends should express their feelings via less cloying means, such as a cheeky wink or a pat on the head. Or a blowjob on your birthday.