THEY talk English, but there’s something deeply wrong with Americans and they should be stopped. Until they answer these questions:
Why do they take a rain check?
In America, a cheque is a check. Are they getting paid for rain? Where are they taking these checks and why? If it means ‘cancel a date’, why not say so? You’re already brash and rude by virtue of your nationality.
Why are their coins are all f**ked up?
In sterling, we don’t give coins nicknames. In America they do so obsessively. What’s a dime? What’s a nickel? What’s a sawbuck? Even Cockneys only do this bullshit to keep their iron grip on London’s lucrative market stalls.
Why is US baseball called the World Series?
Over here we grow out of playing rounders when we’re about nine, but Americans play it into adulthood and crowns whichever US team wins world champions. They don’t invite any other countries to take part in case they get their arses kicked at a kid’s game.
What’s the point of cheerleaders?
Why are there dancing girls? Is it just because it’s hard to get excited about American football, which is rugby with more safety gear and fewer bitten testicles? So scantily-clad women are necessary to hold the attention?
In America, people are arrested for jaywalking all the time. It seems to be crossing a road in an unauthorised manner, so land of the f**king free right there. Is this why they drive everywhere and they’re so fat?
Why do they call fuel gas?
Any fool can see that petrol is a liquid. It’s not advanced chemistry but a fundamental failure of the senses to call it a gas, like calling air a solid. Yet they persist.
Why the f**k is with them and guns?
Guns are dangerous, so the fewer there are the less danger. Except in America where guns are seen as vital protection against guns and regular shootings are an acceptable price to pay. Seriously, what the f**k is with that? Makes good movies though.