How to celebrate Pride as a rapacious British company

ARE you a British business keen to let LGBT+ customers and staff know that they’re special for one month only? Here are the best ways to be an ally: 

Beginner: Rainbow Union Jack on the packet

Being British always comes first, but follow that with a symbol of your deep commitment to the queer community by getting your in-house graphic designer, Josh who knows a bit of Photoshop, to rainbow it. Then put it on your product, website, or just the canteen window.

Beginner: Post on your social media 

Get Josh to do another rainbow Photoshop job for the socials, and make sure the lazy bugger doesn’t use last year’s NHS one. Then share pictures, videos and quotes from important activists, like the hosts of Queer Eye and Santana Lopez from Glee.

Medium: Give LGBT+ customers a discount

LGBT+ oppression deserves more than lip service. If someone comes in and looks gay, or sounds it on the phone, give them a five per cent discount on purchases of £35 or more. It strengthens your bonds with the gay, lesbian, bi and trans community, who’ll return to your restaurant, off-license or commercial lumberyard.

Medium: Give all gay employees an afternoon off

Is Pride on a Wednesday afternoon? Do you need to shop for it? You don’t know, you’re straight, but give the gays four hours paid regardless. The leave is only available to employees who can prove they are gay. Cases thought to be fraudulent will be referred to HR.

Advanced: Liquidate the business and become an LGBT+ campaign HQ

You’re an activist now, not a capitalist. Organise boycotts, throw milkshakes, swarm Twitter. Finally live your brand values and you’ve proved you’re not just cynically exploiting a subset of consumers. Truly it was Thomas Hancock Thomsen & Partners Chartered Accountants who threw the first brick at Stonewall.

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Enchanted woodland on midsummer's eve, and other wedding themes for simpering twats

GETTING married? Consumed with making your wedding stand out from all the others? These wedding themes will show everyone the real arsehole you:  

Enchanted woodland

Covering a country house in toadstools and flower crowns is a great way to pretend you’re at a boutique festival, not committing to life with some rando you met when off your faces. There’ll be magic in the air when Nan trips on fairy lights and has to go to A&E.

The 1920s

Recall the roaring years of excess before inevitable financial collapse in a theme directly relevant to your bank account when the wedding’s over. Your guests will love hiring period-accurate clothing to drink bathtub gin and watch you dance the Charleston in a Best Western function room.

Rustic countryside

Celebrate our nation’s agriculture by making your guests sit on upturned buckets and being accompanied down the aisle by a traditional British alpaca. Tetanus is a small price to pay for the romantic decommissioned rusty farm equipment look. Just make sure the miserable landowner you rented the field from doesn’t get in the pictures.

Great literature

If it’s really important for everyone to know that you read books and get laid, combine the two at your wedding. Name tables after great authors, pepper the venue with internet-sourced quotes and prove your intellectual credentials by including excerpts from non-rhyming obscure poetry in your self-penned vows.


Finally, nothing screams ‘unique romance’ like a wedding themed after a billion dollar corporation that aggressively purchases intellectual property. Forget that you’re both senior accountants in your mid-30s and blub at your wife-to-be that she’s ‘the beauty to your beast’ or the ‘little mermaid to your singing crab’. That’s not embarrassing at all.