'Let's be data-driven' and other bullshit lines that will get you promoted

EVER thought that your boss doesn’t seem to know very much? That could be you. Use these vacuous, empty lines and win promotion:

‘Let’s be data-driven’ 

Works in any context and can never be proven wrong, unless while answering a marriage proposal. Guaranteed to get people nodding slowly while thinking, ‘Wow, did Tom used to be a consultant?’

‘Will this solution be scaleable?’ 

Stops everyone in their tracks to nod, heads tilted wisely to one side, none of them really sure what it means but nobody wanting to be the first to say it. You sit back smugly.

‘Cross-silo communication is key’ 

Silos are for missiles or grain, but everyone’s keen on communication in theory while ignoring emails in practice. So about as original as reminding people to wear underpants, yet people will still nod sagely and think, ‘this person is CEO material.’

‘We need to streamline a process journey’ 

No you f**king don’t. You just do the thing that needs doing and let us all get on with our lives. But is anyone really going to stand up in a meeting and say that they’re against streamlining a process journey? People will think they’re not strategic. When you meet the boss later, get them fired.

‘How can we make this interactive sticky?’ 

The Omega-level bullshit line for when you’re hungover in a meeting and haven’t prepared one iota. Then say ‘let’s lay this open, there are no bad ideas’ and sit back in silence while gesturing expansively at every other poor sod in the meeting. They’ll promote you just to break the silence.

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Seven reactions to a baby named Lilibet

HARRY and Meghan have announced the birth of their second child, Lilibet Diana. Here are seven reactions to have: 

Calling children by nicknames is chavvy

The accepted way to do it is to give the kid the full, ridiculous name then only ever call it by the nickname. Putting the actual nickname on the birth certificate? Not classy. Calling it by a nickname then announcing it will be known by a nickname derived from that nickname? So chavvy it’s posh?

It’s kind of a stripper name

Not the traditional Harmony, Destiny or Chrystalle perhaps, but it wouldn’t be a surprise to see a dancer named Lily-Beth or Lilibet, probably wearing Daisy Dukes, down your town’s lap-dancing venue. Presumably Harry knew this only too well but couldn’t share.

It’ll get the crap kicked out of it in the playground

Unusual names are a real shortcut to getting bullied at school, saving both pupils and teacher valuable time. But as the baby has ginger genes anyway, the name actually serves to protect from its true shame.

Isn’t everybody’s baby called Lily? 

Lily has been in the top ten baby names for the last decade, so not only everybody’s baby but children all the way up to ten. Lilibet will probably be one of four Lilys in her class at school so teachers will call her ‘Lili with the seven-figure Netflix wellness deal’.

It’s the most blatantly jump-to-the-top-of-the-will name ever given

Naming a child after a great-grandparent? Obvious. Naming a child after a great-ggrandparent’s childhood nickname? Such a flagrant suck-up that it can’t fail to work. Expect to see the Royal titles restored by Thursday.

It sounds like an internet betting company

Not the baby’s fault so much as Far East gambling giants sticking ‘bet’ on the end of any random collection of letters and plastering it on Bradford’s shirts, but you definitely expect Lilibet to offer you a free £10 stake for every £30 gambled.

It’s still better than Eugenie

No contest.