Child-free couple announce they're expecting another hobby

A COUPLE without children have contacted friends and family to let them know they are expecting the arrival of a new hobby. 

Julian and Selina Cook already juggle tandem cycling, dog-breeding, restoring paintings and enthusiastic participation in their local futsal league, but admitted they ‘could not resist’ getting a new interest.

Selina said: “It happened by accident really. One night we’d had a few bottles of wine, we’d got a bit silly and before we knew it we’d Googled ‘make your own chilli jam’. And it just felt so right.

“So we’ve bought the polytunnels, we’re planting the seeds, and before the end of the year we’re expecting a wonderful new crop to show off to you all.

“I know we’ve got a lot on already, but we can move all the bread-making equipment to the garage and sell a few of our antique cake stands to make room. We’re so excited!”

Friend Francesca Johnson said: “Oh God, not another. The ones they’ve already got are insufferable enough.

“They’ll turn up at Christmas with jars of their f**king jam, make a sticky mess and we’ll pretend to be delighted. I just hope this won’t turn into another precocious business.”

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Man doesn't realise he is a practise date

A MAN who is his partner’s first date since lockdown began has no idea that the date does not count because it is just for practise. 

Jack Browne believes that his meal and drinks with Lauren Hewitt are the beginning of a relationship that could blossom into love, while Lauren is treating it as a dry-run and a warm-up for serious dating.

Browne said: “Lauren seems really great – warm, attentive, funny. There’s just a few weird things.

“Like she’s got a notebook she keeps scribbling in when I laugh at her jokes, or don’t laugh, and when I complimented her hair she insisted I go into quite granular detail. We spent 20 minutes. Just on her hair.

“She kept making notes, including once muttering ‘Don’t eat garlic! Of course, I’d forgotten that’. Then toward the end she was just going ‘Glasses on? Or off? On? Or off?’ while taking her glasses on and off. She didn’t seem happy with either answer.”

Hewitt said: “Jack’s a great guy in terms of being right in the middle of my dating demographic, so ideal to calibrate with.

“No, I won’t see him again after tonight’s sex. Well I need to make sure I’m game-ready, don’t I?”