'What's this Ukraine then?': The low-information voter's guide to Ukraine

ARE you a ‘low-information voter’, ie. a bit thick? Here we answer the depressingly clueless questions you’ve undoubtedly got about the Ukraine crisis.

What’s this Ukraine then?

It’s a country that’s quite famous at the moment for being invaded by Russia, led by Vladimir Putin. We kind of assumed you’d know that. 

So communist Russia is invading the West? Typical.

No, Russia hasn’t been communist since about 1991. Putin is a former KGB operative who’s one of Russia’s new oligarchs and kleptocrats. I see you have a slightly blank expression. Let’s just say he’s a baldy bastard who nicked all the money.

Has he got a car that goes underwater? From when he was a spy.

It’s unlikely an amphibious Lotus Esprit was standard KGB issue. He probably doesn’t make quips about killing people either, although the attempted assassination of dissident Sergei Skripol with a nerve agent was an ideal opportunity to say: ‘Looks like his nerves got to him.’

So are there Russian tanks pouring into Germany?

No. They’re invading Ukraine. In Eastern Europe. Next to Slovakia. No? Poland? Not ringing any bells? Look, it’s that bit of the world where you went to Gareth’s ‘Steak and tits’ stag do where you weirdly ate a steak while a woman showed you her arse. 

Sounds like it’s not our bloody problem, mate.

In a way no, but surely the international community has some responsibility for protecting the autonomy of independent states? Hey. Have you just got bored and started picking your nose?

Why don’t we just send the SAS in?

Ah, the moron’s solution to every problem. Even our entire force of 600 SAS troopers might have difficulty defeating 200,000 Russian troops, no matter how much you like Bravo Two Zero with Sean Bean.

Will there be a nuclear war?

Mercifully it seems no one is stupid enough to press the nuclear button.

Shame. It’d be cool to live in a nuclear wasteland. Rats the size of cars. Well, looks like I’m an expert on Ukrainia now. Better give my brain a rest.

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Johnson announces closure of Russian cash pipeline

THE prime minister has revoked the permit of the ToryStream 2 cash pipeline which spews banknotes into Conservative party headquarters. 

The pipeline runs directly from Moscow and has been sending £250,000 a day in Russian funds to Conservative coffers since 2003 until it was shut down yesterday. 

Johnson said: “I will not pretend this is without cost. Many’s the time I have needed petty cash and gone down to the basement with a couple of buckets and filled them up. 

“The atmosphere was so wonderful down there. Myself, George Osborne, Amber Rudd, all joking as we lined up for our cash on a Friday, discussing what we’d spend it on. Popping down on a Monday morning to find Michael Fallon doing the backstroke in it. 

“But all good things must come to an end and, reluctantly, yesterday we turned the crank that closes the pipeline down. The pathetic sight of Liz Truss scuttling around scraping up dirty banknotes we previously would have left for backbenchers was heartbreaking. 

“I hope one day, once this crisis has passed, it will be reopened and we can once again benefit from the vast natural money resources that Russia possesses. But until then, we will manage on the billions we have saved. 

“What? We didn’t save any? Bugger.”