Why Jacinda Ardern was a beacon of hope to the liberal world, by a Guardian reader who doesn't know that much about her

By Nathan Muir

LIKE the whole liberal world that paid no attention to New Zealand until liking the look of Ardern from the stories they skimmed, I have lost a heroine today.

From her style to her speeches to her forthright viral clips, there was nothing that wasn’t great about Ardern. She kept her country Covid-safe, she presumably did other things, she was brilliant.

And now? Her pathetic countrymen, who were threatening not to vote for her despite the fact I’ve never even heard of any other candidates, have worn her down. The Thinking Person’s Progressive Princess has resigned.

How? How could they take her from us? Take away our dream of saying ‘I may emigrate to New Zealand, under Jacinda it is an earthly paradise’ at dinner parties?

No, I don’t know any specifics of her policies. That’s not the point. They were undoubtedly brilliant, though perhaps too far-reaching and visionary for a jealous, carping few, probably white men.

Who will I follow now? Jacinda wasn’t a false hope, like Justin Trudeau or Hugo Chavez or the Iceland lesbian woman whose name escapes me. Jacinda was the real deal.

Sanna Marin? Too attractive for my motives to remain pure. That new Brazilian one? Hasn’t been inspirational on Twitter. Did socialists win in Spain recently or was that a while ago?

No, there will never be another Ardern, the first New Zealand politician I’ve ever heard of and the last. I shall now dismiss their pissant little country entirely.

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Why we prefer straight atheists to gay Christians, by the Church of England

BISHOPS have confirmed they would much rather marry heterosexual unbelievers than gay people who actually believe in God. Here’s why.

Marriage is between one man and one woman

That’s what the Bible says. And who wouldn’t trust a 2,000-year-old book of uncertain authorship? The Bible is always right, apart from the bits we prefer not to mention about child sacrifice and the best way to treat your slaves. Look, we don’t make the rules.

We enjoy being out of step with the rest of society

Who wants to follow the herd? By not finally catching up with everyone else in Britain, we’re going against society’s attitudes because we like to be different. We’re rebels, like Marlon Brando or the punk rocker Johnny Rotten. All the young people think they’re cool, right?

You can’t trust the gays

However much they claim not to be sexual degenerates, you can’t trust the gays, can you? With their urges they’ll be having orgies in public toilets the moment church is over. Of course, when it came to actual sexual perverts like paedophile clergymen we ignored it for decades, claiming they were ‘just a bit unusual’.

We love a good talking shop

We like having the strangest conference debates, such as reaching the pointless conclusion that it’s okay to be gay if you never have gay sex. It’s entirely irrelevant to the real world, but it makes us feel important and you get a free lunch. 

Believing in God isn’t that important

We don’t mind the atheist heterosexuals getting married in our churches, because it’s all about the optics. Godless heteros get to have a lovely Instagrammable ceremony and we get to pretend we’re still vaguely relevant in the 21st century. It’s win-win, apart from them ending up Hell.

We’re just massive homophobes

The UK is no longer majority Christian, so you’d think we’d be desperate for all the support we can get. However, we’d rather our congregations dwindled to nothing and churches are sold off for luxury flats than obey our own rule of ‘love thy neighbour’ with LGBTQ people. Because, let’s face it, a lot of us just don’t like gays.