YOU are probably in Venezuala, foreign secretary William Hague has confirmed.
Mr Hague revealed that, according to international intelligence sources and some guy behind him in the queue at Laura Ashley, you have fled.
The foreign secretary said you arrived in the middle of the night and are now having a cup of coffee in a Burger King in central Caracas while looking for a mid-priced hotel room.
Mr Hague added: “Unfortunately most people have now fled to Venezuela leaving our schools empty and our emergency services dangerously understaffed.
“I can understand why you went to Venezuela as you have a lot of friends there but that’s no excuse for not facing up to your obligations.
“Nevertheless you should certainly visit the Simon Bolivar birthplace, the 16th Century Cathedral and, of course, Gauchos, this fantastic nightclub where the barmen wear nothing but cowboy hats and arse-less chaps. Yummers.”
Mr Hague said that until you come to your senses or the money runs out the Post Office will send you advice about redirecting your mail as well as a leaflet containing a few handy Spanish phrases.
Meanwhile the Foreign Office is also preparing a contingency plan just in case you are actually in the driveway of a large house in Tripoli, sitting in a van while holding an umbrella.