World Economic Forum degenerates into money fight

DISCUSSIONS at the World Economic Forum have been derailed by world leaders throwing bundles of Euros and dollars at each other.

The world’s leading economists traveled to Switzerland in single-seater private jets to discuss fiscal responsibility while eating beluga caviar from the heads of wild orchids.

But Christine Lagarde, the head of the International Monetary Fund, had barely started her opening speech before taking a wedge of high-denomination banknotes full in the face, to widespread laughter.

She retaliated with a sheaf of gilt-edged bonds, which went all over Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper, and within seconds the room had erupted into a full-blown money fight.

Economist Tom Logan said: “It was wild, like an indoor blizzard of cash. I must’ve swallowed at least $500 just trying to breathe.

“I managed to catch Bill Gates across the back of the head with a sack of South African rand, but he just turned around and felled me with a fistful of gold-backed securities.”

After the fight, the executive director of Oxfam delivered a speech on financial inequality after tactfully brushing the annual GDP of Malawi off her seat.

Waiters at the event have reported that they were tipped exactly 12.5 per cent by guests.

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Levi Roots launches Post-Punk Post-Punk Sauce

DRAGONS’ Den entrepreneur Levi Roots has announced a new condiment inspired by obscure early 80s experimental rock music.

Roots claimed: “Just as my first creation captured the exotic flavour of the Caribbean, my new Post-Punk Post-Punk Sauce harnesses the industrial bleakness of the English north under Thatcher. It contains steel, coal, cheap cider and a dash of black eyeliner.

“For this sauce I have recorded a doomy, eight-minute existential epic built around ominous synth chords and a single, sinister bass note repeated mechanically throughout.

“The lyrics will be taken from an unpublished HP Lovecraft short story from 1919.”

He added: “This summer, be sure to look out for my Minimal House Minimal House Salad Dressing. It’s the taste of 48 hour benders.”