Yanis Varoufakis to become mysterious tough drifter

GREECE’S former finance minister has unveiled plans to ride around on his motorbike having martial arts battles with local villains.

The freewheeling politician said he will go to whichever small town needs his help, taking manly temporary jobs like labourer or nightclub bouncer and standing up for locals against corrupt local bosses and their heavies.

He said: “I will ride into town, get a room in a local boarding house and establish a simmering sexual chemistry with the widowed but still beautiful landlady.

“Then I go into a bar where toughs in sleeveless denim shirts are harassing the waitresses. I beat them up using a mixture of kung fu and kickboxing techniques, stopping short of killing them because I hate violence.

“The elderly owner, who has a beautiful daughter, buys me a drink while explaining that the town is in the iron grip of someone called Mayor Angelis who everybody lives in fear of. To which I say something like ’not any more’.

“Then I either go and beat up all the villains in a spectacular battle, or decide to just ride off at that point leaving everything in a worse mess than before.”

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Geniuses just pretending not to have common sense

ACADEMICALLY exceptional people are lying about their inability to do everyday domestic tasks, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that geniuses were quite capable of looking after themselves and simply promoted the idea they were somehow childlike to avoid doing the washing up.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Every genius from Einstein to Turing has relied upon someone else to do their washing up and wash their pants, revelling in the paradox that super-clever people somehow can’t do simple, boring tasks.

“Clearly this is bollocks – if you can unlock the secrets of the universe using only a piece of chalk and a blackboard you are quite capable of pushing a mower up and down a lawn, or cleaning a toilet.”

When asked by his wife to put out the rubbish, Einstein would deliberately empty the bin on the kitchen floor and pretend he did not understand how bins or rubbish worked.

Mathematician Mary Fisher said: “I do fuck all at home because I pretend to be brilliantly eccentric.

“When my partner asks me to hoover up I just say I can’t because I function on a different level to the rest of humanity, like Russell Crowe in that film. Not Gladiator, the one where he does maths.”