Yet another place that's too far away legalises weed

YET another country that is far too distant from Britain to be worth the trip has irritatingly made weed legal. 

Canada, which like Colorado and California and Alaska is a ten-hour international flight away and therefore useless for stag dos, is merrily puffing away on cannabis while jealous Brits are stuck at home with crap hash. 

Tom Booker of Leeds said: “They’re buying it in English using money with the Queen’s face on. You can’t tell me that’s fair. 

“Alright there’s Amsterdam, but I’ve been going since my teens and I’m bored shitless of the place. And it might have been decriminalised in Portugal but the Algarve’s a smoke-free zone, I promise you. 

“It’s a 16-hour flight to Vancouver. Even I don’t like weed that much. Why can’t France legalise it, or Spain? Even New York’s doable once a year.

“The Irish are voting for some radical shit these days. They might do it. Man, that would make me entirely against a hard border.” 

Following Canada, Australia is planning to legalise cannabis within the next three months solely to piss the UK off. 

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Woman with whole life ahead of her going to spend it worrying about what someone just said

A YOUNG woman whose life is bursting with possibility plans to spend the next sixty years obsessing over minor social interactions.

With graduate job offers already lining up, the world is Nikki Hollis’s oyster, but statistics suggest she will live out her days thinking about whether or not someone meant to be rude or was just not thinking.

Nikki Hollis said: “You only live once, and I intend to live every day in the fullest awareness that maybe someone doesn’t really like me, or thinks my clothes don’t suit me, or finds my face weird.

“Life is an adventure and I want to use it to reflect on what someone might have meant when they said I ‘looked well’ or what a friend was implying when they said I ‘deserve a good holiday’.”

Her mother Helen Hollis said: “We raised Nikki to believe she can do anything and, like me and her father, what she does best is needlessly analyse everything people say, to or about her.

“Hopefully she’ll go deaf in old age and then she can enjoy a brief burst of peace before the grave claims her.”

Nikki Hollis added: “More than anything, I hope I can have an exciting career and a family of my own so that I have a wide group of people to misinterpret all the time. Fingers crossed!”