The older person's guide to ruining social media

ARE you old? Do you want to embarrass and annoy younger family members?

Here’s how to use social media platforms to do just that.

Over-share about your sex life

If you’re retired you’ll have plenty of time for both social media and middle of the day shags. Why not combine the two for the maximum mortification of your relatives?

Misunderstand hashtags

Even if you know that #MeToo is a movement against sexual harassment, pretend you think it’s a trendy digital way to agree with someone’s opinion about who’s going to win Bake Off this year.

Share ‘patriotic’ images with links to far-right groups

If your kids are lefty hipster types they’ll be mortified if you share anything with a Union Jack on, especially if it came from a website about how white people are an endangered species.

Ask incredibly personal questions

Pretend you’ve forgotten that their Facebook wall is on public view and ask them questions like ‘How did it go at the gynaecologists this morning?’

Use emojis inappropriately

Some emojis have curious double meanings, such as the big purple aubergine. Post that multiple times under an Instagram picture of your son’s new girlfriend and enjoy the ensuing weirdness.

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Daniel Craig unmanly for carrying baby, say fans unaware that Bond made quiche

JAMES Bond fans criticising Daniel Craig for carrying a baby are totally unaware that their hero cooked a quiche in A View To A Kill. 

The fans, who believe that James Bond is actually real and the actor who pretends to be him every four years should behave accordingly, appear to have overlooked the key moment of the 1985 film.

Cinema writer Nathan Muir said: “He doesn’t just eat it. He dons the apron and makes it, then serves it up with a bashful smile.

“It’s implied that he has sex with the girl involved, but it would probably be right-on-style 80s sex with an emphasis on caring foreplay and the importance of contraception.

“You can still get in a gunfight while wearing a baby harness, but you can’t when you’re wearing oven gloves to bring your aubergine-and-feta quiche garnished with black olives to the table.

“Also, in 2002’s Die Another Day, he goes for a sit-down wee. Take that, Piers Morgan.”