Jayden is a perfectly normal name but 'Paul' is weird, eight-year-olds agree

EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS have informed their parents that every class has at least one Jayden but they have never heard of anyone called Paul.

They also confirmed that Sienna, Scarlett and Skye are boringly common but Sarah and Louise are strange, exotic and the kind of thing only people in films are called.

Father Joseph Turner said: “I asked my son if there were any kids called Richard in his school. He laughed and went ‘Dad, you’re making these up.’

“I knew Darren was a fashion, but somehow I believed a name like Lee was timeless. A playground without Lees is unthinkable.

“But no. Apparently Jayden is a perfectly normal name for older kids, and there is no longer a chorus of girls called Joanne in every class. I can’t fathom it. My first three snogs were all girls called Joanne, as was customary at the time.”

Son Arlo said: “I wish dad had given me a name that stands out. When I’m 18 I’m going to change it to something cool, like Steve.”

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Scientists discover man using outdoor car cover who isn't an absolute arsehole

SCIENTISTS have found the one man in the world using a protective car cover who isn’t a complete and utter twat.

Tom Logan was spotted using a car cover on a Renault Clio outside his house without glaring at passers-by as if his sensible mid-priced car was the Ark of the Covenant.

Logan said: “The car is a birthday present for my wife. We don’t have a garage, and it’s coming into autumn now, so I just don’t want it to get covered in leaves and birdshit before her big day.

“I’ve never used a car cover before. I didn’t even want to use this one, but it’s in the interest of keeping another person happy, so I’m putting up with it.  

“People who use these car covers do tend to be those who post about their cars on online forums, or have their profile picture as their car. My profile picture is of me and my wife.”

He added: “To be honest, covers seem like a bit of a pretentious, flashy statement that someone’s car is so important that they need to tuck it into bed at night.”